So then, it’s another month already. That doesn’t leave many days left. I think we’ve reached critical mass so it’s about time I started work. Tomorrow, I’ll start tomorrow. Right now I’m going to lie in the sun. The dog makes it look so enjoyable that I’m going to have to join him. So tomorrow, first thing I’ll do some work.

Wait a mo, is that David ‘Angel’ Borresomething in Dido’s new video clip? Huh, it certainly looks like him. If I knew how to spell his name I could find out somewhere on the web. That explains most of the song then.

I was going to enthusiatically endorse the Eye Toy but it has occured to me that it may be part of a plot to get lazy people active. So be warned that it may involve physical exertions and feelings of self-consciousness. So in that case it’s best played by yourself or while drinking.

And finally to all those people who thought I was online tonight, I was late for acrobatics and forgot to log off ICQ, sorry.

As a child, the books I loved more than any others were Agatha Christie’s murder mysteries. When I finally came to see Gosford Park — a film involving a murder at a British country manor — a month or so back, I really enjoyed it. But interestingly, these two facts are completely unrelated.

From what I hear, director Robert Altman likes to choose a genre of film, then turn it on it’s head. That’s what he does here, at any rate. Your average murder mystery shows the creepy intrigues of the aristocracy — Gosford Park by contrast is all about the servants. We’re taken into the last few years of the dying culture of service in Britain — as well as seeing through Morris Wiessman and Ivor Novello the birth of the new celebrity culture.

Gosford Park is an extraordinarily well-done character piece — a character piece spanning about 30 different characters. Altman is a director who gives free reign to his actors, each of whom place a strong investment in their character. There are no extras in the film — in any given scene, everyone you see has a motivation and a reason for being there. While this isn’t immediately noticable on first viewing, it does contribute to a rich layer of realism that envelops the film. This also comes of course from an insane amount of attention to detail. There’s brilliant dialogue on offer, as well as superb acting, and a heartfelt narrative.

Most of the actors here are decently famous, some to the point of near godhood — so it seems useless to add my paltry praises to them here. The least known of the cast however gets the main role of Mary MacEachran, maid to Maggie Smith’s ever so snobbish Lady Trentham. Kelly MacDonald proves herself no slouch though, and is an adorable identification point for the viewer. There are no weak links here, but I was particularly impressed by Emily Watson, Helen Mirren, and Clive Owen.

Having waffled on so enthusiastically, you may now be thinking “Good gracious! Why have I never seen this movie? Quickly, to the video store!”. Well, you probably wouldn’t say “Good gracious”, but the point stands. However don’t watch Gosford Park expecting it to knock your socks off. It’s quiet, subtle (with the exception of the wonderful Stephen Fry), and endearing, and it excels in it’s way, but it’s no thrill-ride, and not particularly suspenseful. For best results, curl up in front of it on a lonely night by yourself and get lost in the world Altman has created so deftly.

Oh, and press ‘Play’. That’ll help.

DVD Review

If I’ve sounded even remotely knowledgable about Robert Altman’s directorial style in this review, it’s only because I had it all explained to me in a very informative director’s commentary and documentary extras. There are two documentaries — one on ‘The Authenticity of Gosford Park‘ and one general ‘Making Of’ feature. Both are quite interesting and completely free of any irritating cheesy American voice-overs. There’s also footage of a Q&A session with journalists after the film’s premiere — this seems oddly short, but is still interesting.

The commentary itself is of course interesting. Altman comes across as very clever, though a little forgetful, explaining one or two concepts twice. I’m always amused in commentaries with more than one person by who takes charge, and Altman is very much at the top of the pecking order with this one. His lackeys (producers) are helpful in reminding him what he should be talking about though.

In short, a worthwhile DVD if you enjoyed the film. And even if you’d never seen it before, like me. After all, I told you it was good.

A weekend without the ability to speak properly does not a happy Tom make. Pah.

In keeping with tradition, I have avoided doing any useful work, and instead spent my time updating and publishing the new St Crispin’s News layout that we initially made about 3 months ago, and finding a new exciting way to do the rollover images at the top of grapefruit with NO JavaScript whatsoever!

What’s that? You don’t care? They still work exactly the same as they used to? I don’t want to hear it.

We’re waaaay behind on Alias reviews. In fact, we’re waaaay behind on everything. I promise to do some more things soon. My music reviewer protests that he can’t do anything for weeks until he’s made sure he passes his exams.

I’d give this excuse a lot more weight if the person in question had ever even vaguely come close to failing anything before. You haven’t really lived until you’ve scored an exact 50%.

Anyhow, it’s getting late and if I could just finish one physics question I’d be happy.

Bad luck comes in threes, or so they say. So here I am at home, waiting paranoid for the final terrible event to occur…

This website that Shannon’s uncle wants made… well, the sort of website he wants isn’t exactly the sort of website we know how to make. One word sums up our strife.

Flash.

So we may have to, er, decline that plan. As we don’t really have time to learn it. Which means less money…

And then, to add insult to injury, KFC no longer sell Zinger Tower Burgers.

I know. You thought the Prince William thing was bad. So, come on bad luck number three. Is there a time limit on these pieces of bad luck? And where’s my iPod, dammit???

Here we have a creature known as the Andrewius Laziarse. See him desperately scrabbling to build his home. He’s been a layabout all summer, not doing a skerrick of work. All of a sudden, Winter comes and the Andrewius has to rush about madly to fix his house in time before the rain and cold winds set in. Take careful note of the indignant expression upon his face. He’s outraged that no-one warned him that Winter was coming.

Ah, look at that. He’s decided that he’s too late to finish his house this year and has decided to live in a hole for the winter. No doubt he’s already dreaming of the great house he’ll make next year. He’s probably thinking he’ll start building as soon as the snow thaws. But we know that first he’ll have a snooze in the sun and then he’ll play with his friends and then he’ll decide to start on midsummer’s day. We all know what will happen. Isn’t it lucky that we’re so much smarter than this little dumb creature?

Ergh. I felt a vague sore throat coming on 8 at lunch time, and now it’s spread to wooziness and a headache. In case you don’t understand the severity of the illness — I’ll be taping the season premiere of Six Feet Under rather than watching it immediately. It’s that bad.

I’d consider reviewing Six Feet if I wasn’t worried I’d just spend the whole time gushing. Perhaps some one-offs.

I’ve got a contract — it seems — to make a website for a paint company with Shannon. This will take up a considerable amount of time for the next month or so so don’t whinge about lack of updates. Not that anyone ever has.

Is anyone listening to me?

Hello?

I’ll just go and cough in the corner then.

By which I mean I sat around on my arse for most of it.

Tuesday night did involve some activity though. There was a science fair for school students to raise the general interest in science. There were stalls run by the universities promoting their various disciplines through standard science presentation style. I believe the physics people even had liquid nitrogen. I was on the maths stall, which isn’t very exciting at the best of times. The majority of things about maths that I find exciting take 10 minutes to explain to people. So instead there’s some lame crap about Fibonacci and the four colour problem. The stall’s been the same for years apparently.

The last time we spent all our time trying to interest people in these things but to little avail. This time I brought puzzles and blocks and things. Logic and problem solving. Give the audience a simple puzzle to solve and they feel clever because they beat those mathematicians. It kept the passersby interested enough and we copped no abuse so things went fairly well. I don’t know if we spread any knowledge about mathematics but that’s something to aim for next time.

More excitingly we won the door prize of a jar of chocolates which I shared out amongst the other stall holders and made me feel most popular. This lead to a meeting with a guy with bubbles, some mutual aquaintances and the knowledge of ZOMES

I was paid $70 to attend so it was a good evening’s work all round.

Below is a itemised account of what I do during your average day.

Or rather, my average day. That phrase never made any sense to me.

In any case, it’s academic because I am lying. As I break down my day into single actions I realised that almost all of them are far too banal to describe and those that aren’t would invariably invite the all too familiar response “Too much information”.

So I’m just going to include the two that will hopefully be relavent to the rest of my ramble.

23: Brush Teeth.

23 plus some small, but otherwise arbitrary number: Eat recently purchased chocolate biscuit

Now, this won’t come as a surprise to anyone – but chocolate actually tastes pretty nice after you’ve brushed your teeth.

Assuming you like mint of course, in which case I recommend bubble-gum flavour. Also, it helps if you aren’t using Colgate with baking soda, or that Sensodyne crap. I’m talking about regular toothpaste. I’ve yet to determine whether it being a gel or not makes a difference, but I digress.

Orange Juice on the other hand, tastes like absolute shit. It’s bloody awful. Everybody knows this.

It occurs to me that every food should be given a toothpaste compatibility rating. Orange Juice would typically score a zero, Chocolate would probably get a 10. Or possibly a 9. 10 should probably be for things that taste exactly like toothpaste.

Think about it. It would revolutionize how we shop. When shopping for snackfood, you could specifically select foods you knew you were going to eat just after you left the house with your freshly brushed teeth. In fact, I think I might have to catalog the food in my fridge. Upon closer inspection all my fridge has in it is milk and tatare sauce. I should probably stock it for Matt’s arrival. He eats a lot.

Incidentally, do you know a new study has showed that Astrology predictions could be wrong?? Oh I shit you not. It was on Sky news. They were saying there is new evidence to suggest that it was all bullshit. It sounds like a joke, but I’m being serious.

Anyway back to my grand plan to upheave the food industry. Toothpaste compatibility ratings… yeah.

Actually now I think about it sounds stupid.

I managed to get the top of grapefruit to stay still in IE today, which is of course a vaguely impressive achievement. To get the shadow working may take somewhat longer. Perhaps I should take Hayko’s advice and just make a really small one that isn’t transparent, and hope no one notices.

But at this point, I really don’t care. My whole world has been shaken.

Prince William is in favour of hunting.

This may not seem such a big thing, but I always identified with him, ever since I heard he was roughly my age and had the same sort of gumboots as me (green ones with grinning red mouths on the toes). This was when I was quite young obviously…

And now I find he enjoys killing animals. Bother. Not that a non-vegetarian can really take the high moral ground, but still.

I’m deeply upset.

I’ve decided to outsource my assignments. Great pay, easy hours, email me.

Meanwhile, I think I’m out of the loop, because there’s a new Inspector Gadget series I’ve been missing out on. Which is fortunate because it’s crap. They’ve completely ruined the whole thing.

Back to work now. Only 5 hours before my meeting.