I apologise. I remember in my innocent youth, I accused you of being a boring character. Boy scout, dull, goody goody, lacking angst and pain and all that stuff that cool characters like Batman had.

Now, I see Superman Returns, and I’m reminded of how fresh you are for lacking a lot of that. Not many superheroes remind those rescued from a crashing plane that air travel is still, statistically, the safest way to fly. And even if they did, none of them could do it and still seem as cool as you. How could I forget how awesome you were?

Oh yeah, Smallville. Huh. Ah well.

I’m also very glad that, even though there were potential angst-inducing moments in Superman Returns, your character didn’t wallow much. You get on with the job. I like it. You’re a straight-forward guy, and therein lies your charm.

If I was disappointed at seeing you in action this time around, it was only that your body was tested so much more than your mind and ethics. You’re a smart cookie, and Returns didn’t give you much of an opportunity to show that. Here’s hoping there’s a sequel.

P.S. Kate Bosworth is really cute.

Tonight marks the start of Stage Two. Three quarters of the matches have been played so I imagine you’ll all have piles of boodles by now, especially since I gave the second lot of boodles three days ago. Hmm, Shannon’s up 26 boodles, Daniel’s up 3.5 – not bad.

Everyone else: I’m very disappointed in you. I see Matt’s squandered the boodles he made with his lucky bets and his second fifty boodles already. Jackson hit 0 boodles when the Sparrowhawks, aka Togo, didn’t make it to Stage Two. I hope people are noticing that betting large amounts of boodles is not successful; or was not in the past. Maybe in this new stage will be more amenable to large bets. I’m putting 50 boodles on Argentina to win v Mexico – 1.33

Jackson tells me he wants 40 boodles on Germany to win v Sweden – 1.61

Something to note about Stage Two: If you pick a team to win, I’ll assume you mean in normal time, not in extra time or with penalties. If you’re betting to go through make sure you pick the to qualify bet, or extra time or penalties if that’s what you want.

You’ve got your orders, now wager your hearts out. And hey, let’s be careful out there.

(There used to be a table here but the website hosting it died. So it’s not here now.)

Some day in October, 2005. Huh. You ran out of batteries after just an hour the other day. You’ve been fine today though. Probably not worth worrying about.

Some day in September, 2005. It happened again. Maybe I should return you. CRAP! It would have been free if I’d done it yesterday. $100? Bugger that. I don’t want to look like a fool and return it so soon after the date. I’ll look very clever by wandering round with a dying iPod.

Some day in February, 2006. You’re out of batteries? But I haven’t even gotten to the train yet! You could at least have the grace to konk out when I get to work. I’m not walking with you again. I can’t cope with the disappointment. I’m sending you away.

11am, 10th June, 2006. Ah, you’ve come back. Did she treat you well? Was it fun backing up icky PC data? Has your battery magically repaired itself? Let’s have a go. How long can you play Dark Side of the Moon for?

11.10am, 10th June, 2006. Oh dear. Right, it’s time to take action. Do Apple take Boodles? I’ve got 50.

15th June, 2006, $100 later. You’re being “diagnosed” are you? I told Apple what the problem was with you. They don’t trust me. Bastards. Hopefully the diagnosis will be “too old” and you will be replaced with the ONE TRUE VIDEO IPOD.

16th June, 2006. The “issue” has been “identified”. I remain hopeful, but the picture on the site still depicts your classic, ‘no moving parts’ form. Perhaps you’ll have a new shiny metal back at the very least. I am struck by a fear that the “issue” is my brief installation of linux. I mean, they don’t say “issue addressed”. Just “identified”. I’d already done that, dammit. I wanted them to fix the issue.

9am, 21st June, 2006. You have been returned to me! And by “you” I mean a completely new replacement 3rd generation iPod! So very shiny. The letter I receive with you specifies that you retain the Soul of my old iPod (but not the R&B, or the Country). I’ll charge you up and take you to work. Where are my headphones?

9.10am, 21st June, 2006. Noooooooo! Where are my headphones? Dammit. One day more.

Round 4: We were licked clean! The four spring traps set up with peanut butter have been cleaned out. They’re sparkling even. He’s a little bugger. He might be too light to trigger the trap. Or too clever.

Seb hasn’t eaten the peanut butter in the catch-’em-alive trap. Maybe he doesn’t like the look of it. Or was full from all the peanut butter from the other traps.

For round 5 I’ve got ham rind stuck to the trap as well as this device.