Andy Cocker

Some exciting news has been brought to my attention: Jessica Alba is in Fantastic Four. It is due out in 279 days and she’ll be wearing spandex. She’s also in Sin City. Due out in 188 days. More on Sin City.

This news has brought light to my life. All though the twitching had stopped, the withdrawal made me depressed. Now I hear the world isn’t so bad after all. Plus Kirsten Dunst is in a new movie and Doom 3 finally downloaded and the DS won’t be here until Q1 2005. I’d better take another dose of Stargate.

DS news.

That’s it. I’ve run out of Stargate. I don’t even have anymore of those Atlantis ones to watch. I can feel the shakes beginning. Maybe I can make it to rehab before the headaches get too bad.

If you haven’t seen this you should now! Steal a car to drive you to a house where you beat people until they get you this video: Dawn of War Intro Video. There’s also a demo but I haven’t tried it because I’m afraid it will be a let down after that video.

In my watching Stargate news: The guy from the Nanny turned up. He won’t come back to Earth if he knows what’s good for him. I’m on a four Stargate a day habit. I tried only one or two initially but it was too addictive. Unfortunately my stash is running out. I had some real good stuff. I know a guy who can get them at 700 meg for two eps. I’ve tried cutting it with Atlantis but it’s not the same.

The evil space aliens are going to eat Agent Doggett! Where’s Mulder when you need him? I guess being eaten is a risk you have to take if you want to explore another galaxy. Still it wasn’t mentioned in the briefing before they left.

“Everyone volunteered for this mission. You represent a dozen countries. You are the best and brightest. We have only one shot at this and we may not be able to return. Some of you will be eaten. Let’s go.”

I should have been suspicious when he wasn’t mentioned in the credits.

By day, I am mild-mannered Andy but by night, I watch Stargate.

If you are possessed, say to Teal’c: “I feel like a helpless observer inside my own body.” Works every time.

Tonight, we have the chick from Mysterious Ways.

More like half a season in three days. Stargate season seven is some great tv. I was concerned that there might be some kind of decline but it turns out to be some of the best yet.

The Doctor from Voyager turns up too.

Don’t open the iris on the gate! It’s Jonas. He’s trying to get through. No don’t, ah well since he’s here, what does he want? What’s wrong Jonas? Your planet going to explode? Oh it is. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!

Nice hair cut Jonas. Did your mother buy your clothes? I guess that’s the end of the episode. Jonas is going to die along with his planet and the councillors.

SG-1 is going try to save his people. An odd decision. I guess it’s just for show. They have to pretend to care.

Jonas has a girlfriend. You know showing her on tv is a sure way to get her dead. I’m putting my money on a horrible horrible death.

How convenient. Jonas has a giant digging machine. It’s lying around in the shed. I think I’ve seen this movie before.

Why don’t we use a bomb to solve the problem that was caused by the previous bomb? What a brilliant idea. Let’s use a bigger one this time.

Your girlfriend’s evil Jonas! I knew it. HAHAHAHA Jonas.

Divert power to the shields. Yay, it works every time.

Sacrifice yourself Jonas. No, make Jonas do it.

Leave her behind! Leave her behind! Kill his girlfriend! Kill her! Save yourselves and leave her to die. Go without her! Shut up Jonas. No one cares what you think. Go, listen to Teal’c. Go go!

What a sad ending. Jonas isn’t dead. His planet is saved and his girlfriend made it out alive, albeit without the Goa’uld inside.

Kirsten Dunst isn’t in this episode; I just wanted to put up a picture of her.

Just a couple of things. First, I’d like to officially deny the following rumours:

• I have never dressed up as a lotto ball.
• I do not go to karaoke nights.

Secondly, Wonderfalls is fantastic. Having seen all the episodes, I’m very sure that it’s going to make Shannon’s top ten.

And lastly Jolene Blalock who plays Subcommander T’Pol in Enterprise was in Stargate SG-1. It was difficult recognising her without the pointy ears.

I[ftn] did something last weekend that I was going to write about. Hmm, what was it? It was … no, it’s gone. I’ve forgotten.

Wait, it’s coming back. I was at a movie theatre. There were people there. I had a gun. No, not a gun; I had popcorn. I was running late. Maybe if I go back to the theatre I will remember the rest.

[sometime later]

It all came back. I saw The Bourne Supremacy. There were no memorable moments to the film; much like season 7 of Buffy. This film felt like one long attempt at tying off the loose ends from the first film and in the process, ruining it. The first film ended with couple of unresolved issues and a happy ending. A good way to end a film in my opinion. You can’t resolve everything without bloating the movie and dragging out the ending. A bit of mystery ends a film nicely.

The Bourne Supremacy has little in the way of a structured plot, limping from one section to the next. The CIA spend their time trying to find Bourne and whinging to each other, until the bad guy amongst them gives in. Bourne spends his time just wandering around remembering fragments from his assassin days and trying to clear his conscience[ftn] until the credits suddenly roll. Throw in some Russians and there’s your plot. Comprehensively ruining both the sequel and the first movie, the likes of which has not been seen since Reloaded.

The camera work didn’t help. It was very shaky during the action scenes which I liked in the beginning until it made me feel sick. And the person next to me. There was a whole bunch of us feeling crook. It made the fight scenes confusing with the camera moving so much. Maybe I should drink less before going out. Maybe I missed something vital in the first ten minutes which I didn’t see as I was running late. But I doubt it.

And the end. There seemed to be no obvious ending to the film. We wouldn’t have known we were supposed to leave the cinema if it wasn’t for the credits rolling. After a car chase or two in the middle, the film wandered without a climax until it stopped. It felt like a tv episode in that respect. To be continued in the next episode because we’ve run out of time today. It just kept going and going and then ended like an essay in the middle of paragraph.

Just when you thought it would end there would be another bit.[ftn] It was like … no I’ve forgotten again.

Footnotes

1. Two can play the footnote game Tom.
2. Hello little girl. I hope I didn’t surprise you by waiting for you in your apartment in the dark. I killed your father and mother and I’d like to apologise for that. Anyway, I must be going now. Have a good day.
3. And then a little bit more.

Time to get out of here. Ah ha! Just what I need; a room full of Warthogs. Now which one shall I take? They all look the same. Eeney meeny miney mo … What, Cortana? Only 5 minutes to escape. Then I’d better take this one.

Full speed ahead. Oh my god I think I just hit someone! A brown someone. It’s alright; he’s getting up again. And shooting me. How dare you. I’ll run you over again. Right where was I? Oh yes this explosion escape thing.

BRRRMMM. Woah, who designed this room? There’s all kind of ramps and jumps going on. Left and right and left, Done. That wasn’t so hard. Oh wait, there’s another room just as tricky.

BRRRMMM. Wheee! What a jump … uh-oh I’m going to land on my head. ARRRGGGHHH!!!! Oh, I made it, phew. Better flip this Warthog over and jump back in and keep going.

OH NO MY WARTHOG IS BROKEN. IT WON’T MOVE. I’M GOING TO DIE. AAAAAARGGGHHHH! Ah wait, um, I’m in the passenger seat. Hope no one saw that embarrassing mistake.

Driver’s seat this time. BRRRMMM, this room looks like the first one. It’s empty though, everyone must have left. A couple of minutes have passed so I must be getting close. A dead end! No wait there’s a door to the right. Huh, another room full of Warthogs with the exact same number of burning Warthogs in it. CRAP! I’m back where I started. I must have got turned around when I crashed. Not to worry, I still have two and a half minutes left, not a moment to lose. Oooh, a medipack. I’ll just grab that. Now I’d better get going. No time to lose.

BRRRMMM, back through these rooms again. Twisty corridors; the suspension on this Warthog is going to be ruined.

20 seconds left: This had better be it. Sweet, it’s the pick-up point and with 10 seconds to spare. How’s that for timing. Now where’s Echo 419? Let’s get out of here.

This doesn’t look good. Echo 419 is being chased by two Banshees but I think it’s going to make it. Going, going, exploded. BUGGER! That’s it we’re boned.

Cortana reckons there’s a ship 1.4 km from here and with 5 seconds left, I hope this buggy can do 1000 km/h. Here we go. I’ll just press the warp speed button.

FOUR There’s no warp speed button. AARRRGGHH!

THREE Okay. Don’t panic. Any bright ideas Cortana?

TWO You know Cortana you’re hot. What’s a nice AI doing in a place like this? What are you doing this weekend?

ONE Oh, the countdown. Don’t worry about that baby. Most problems will go away if you ignore them. Look, the timer’s almost disappeared.

ZERO Told you nothing bad would happe ….