Be Alert, Not Alarmed
Please everyone stay calm. I have called this press conference because there is some urgent news. As you all know, this is what a nuclear silo in the middle of launching ICBMs looks like.
We’ve been examining maps and found this. Yes, it’s what we’ve feared. It’s an active silo preparing to launch.
Many of you hoped this day would never come. I assure you that counter measures have been initiated. You should send your loved ones to small inland cities. Our simulations show that these will take the least damage during the oncoming war. I hope you all are prepared and have appropriately stocked shelters.
Some of you have asked about getting help from other nations. To those people I quote the book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Pirates: “The enemy of my enemy is my enemy’s enemy. No more, no less.”
There’s time for one last question, you at the back. What’s that? Ah, no, I don’t think they’re too bouncy. There’s no such thing.