Yesterday began the Chinese Year of the Rooster.

I’m a Rooster, and I know many others who are too, of course. Here’s hoping this is a good omen, or something. Not that, of course, we didn’t see it coming.

Who has a DVD player that can play region 1 DVDs and preferably lives in Melbourne?

Poor Jacky. The strain of being a hero is starting to show. He can’t save everybody, and it cuts him up inside. He has to, even if it means endangering himself. Jack swims out to save a girl caught in a rip tide but has to stop to save Boon, who is doing the same thing. In doing so, Jack passes up the opportunity to save the girl. He’s getting tired of looking after the group and their lack of water. Some of the group keep begging him for orders and some keep harrassing him about why he’s in charge. Also he’s hallucinating.

Sun and Jin stay isolated from the group. Must be waiting for their flashback episode. So’s Sawyer. Until then he’s just going to keep acting like a bastard. This is Jack’s episode though. He’s flashbacking to his childhood. His dad gives him a lecture about not trying to save everyone. In other flashbacks, bits about Jack’s relationship with his father are shown.

This week’s brawl is about the group’s last few bottles of water going missing. Things threaten to turn ugly. Locke does his usual mysterious impersonation[ftn] and goes off to find some water.

With Kate and Jack looking like they’ll get together at some point and Shannon a bitch, Merry decides his best chance is to chat up the pregnant girl. Sure she’s pregnant, but that’ll pass soon enough. I like Claire and I’m concerned about her welfare. She’s pregnant on a weird tropical island. Not a recipe for survival. Something bad’s going to happen mark my words.[ftn] Something really bad and traumatic. I’m worried that they’re going to kill her Claire.

This episode is when I feel the show has really settled into its regular format. Each episode is very focused on one character with plenty of subplots simmering away in the background.

I’m sorry if I gave the impression that the show wasn’t interesting in my last review. It’s just after the first two episodes which were more action focused, the next few episodes spend most of the time exploring the characters. The change was unexpected especially compared to the recent action-packed Stargate I’ve been watching. I understand that Lost needs to build its characters. It should make for a very intense series later on. I just need to be more patient with it.

Footnotes

1. Although we now know the truth about him and aren’t impressed or scared by it.
2. It’s not just because I’ve seen the next ten episodes.

Sometimes, it’s difficult to watch Stargate SG-1. Not because it’s a bad show. My biggest criticism of it is that it so often feels bland — but it’s not bad. No, it’s difficult to watch because it’s in its eighth season, and I’ve seen so many shows that were even less bad than Stargate die before even the faintest glimmer of a thought of an eighth season popped into their heads. Luckily, my favourite show is about to charge on into its twenty-seventh season, so this doesn’t get to me too much.

Nevertheless, Stargate is one of the longest running genre shows I can think of, especially if you count all of the separate Star Treks as separate entities. Which I do. Watching some of the poorer episodes, I’ve been puzzled by how the writers can possibly have anything less for seasons eight and nine. Watching this season, though, I’m getting some hope for the future.

It must have become clear to the Stargate folks pretty early on that not every story could be set off-world. Hence the long succession of “closer-to-home” baddies, such as the NID, and most recently, the Trust.[ftn] In more recent times, the show has even been exploring the — gasp — personal lives of our heroes. In a rather dull episode last season, Sam found herself a boyfriend, having finally given up on Colonel O’Neill. He’s back in this episode, but it’s not nearly as bad, because he’s not in it as much. I’d be concerned that Sam was marrying such a bland loser if I cared about her at all. I don’t.[ftn]

I do care about Teal’c, however, and this episode is pretty much a Teal’c episode, so that works quite well. After a highly amusing and unsettlingly vigilantish[ftn] opening, our alien friend continues to try to fit into society while being a minor superhero. It’s tricky, given that every time he does something cool with a can of beans, or even just his fists, the government comes down on him for not keeping a low profile. It’s even trickier when the latest output from Shady Villains ‘R’ Us decide to take advantage of this tension.

Daniel gets a nice scene as he tries to explain to Teal’c why he shouldn’t go around getting involved with other people all the time. Unfortunately, just as he’s finishing, the exception to the rule pops up in the guise of his cute next door neighbour.[ftn] With Daniel’s blessing, Teal’c seduces her with his insane muscles and l33t Tai Chi. Hasn’t he got a girlfriend offworld? Ah well, it’s not cheating if it’s on a different planet.

An episode exploring the issues Teal’c has adjusting to living in the world is worthwhile, and I enjoyed this one a lot. Irritatingly, at the end of the episode the door is closed on any further ones, as Teal’c is sent back to the SGC to live. You could argue that this makes the episode a bit of a tragedy, but really, given the reset-button feel of it, it makes the whole thing seem kind of crap. Especially if Teal’c never gets out again. For the most part, this is a real-world Stargate episode that actually managed to be entertaining and not very boring.[ftn] If they keep improving like this, maybe one day they’ll actually manage a really good one.

If they don’t, they should stick to the space travel and galaxy-saving.

Footnotes

1. To be fair to them, as an Executive Producer points out, every good name for secret organisations has been used on Alias. Even The Trust, as it turns out.
2. Especially having seen episode 11 from this season, ‘Gemini’. Here’s a one-word review: “STUPID!”
3. Not a word.
4. Also known as Lois Lane from Smallville.
5. Damning with faint praise? Well, yep.

Why am I at work? I could have used this storm-screwing-up-public-transport excuse to come in at least another hour late. I could have been home, playing Burnout 3! Which is awesome. Slow motion and crashes are made for each other. Like spinach and ricotta cheese. Mmmmm, ricotta…

If Andy’s still insisting on being the cynical one about the curse, then I suppose I’ll have to be the hopeful one. I never get to be the cynical one. Still, if Andy’s been lured back into the curse’s terrible sphere of influence then he can’t really be all that cynical. Has he realised that even if his inspired plan to convert games from Xbox to Gamecube works, he’s still only got the Halo 2 bonus DVD? I wondered where that case had gotten too. Jackson was asking. It turns out the playdisc was transported inside the Xbox, which he’s not normally in favour of. I thought he was OK with it, but then he smashed my car into oncoming traffic. So maybe we’re not cool.

Electronics Boutique shouldn’t be allowed to put cases out in their ‘coming soon’ shelves. It’s evil. Shortsighted people like myself are convinced for minutes as they walk towards the shop that Knights of the Old Republic 2 has been released.

I swore I’d not be involved with the accursed cheque again. It’s only going to cause trouble I said. It’s a trap I told him. I’m not fooled by this early morning call. It’s false hope. But he pleaded with me. Do it for Tom’s sake he begged. I’ll give some bacon he promised. So I relented. But mark my words. I’m standing by with an ‘I told you so’.

Hi. My name is Andrew and I’ll be your voice-over man for this evening. Please sit back, relax and I’ll give you the run down of what’s about to happen in this movie. Don’t worry if you haven’t seen the first two. They’re much the same as this one. In fact, don’t see this one. Run like the wind. You can still escape before they lock the doors. Let me say a warm welcome to all you elderly and infirm who’ve been left behind as your loved ones made a dash for freedom. If you close your eyes and cover your ears and you might still avoid this movie.

This movie has a couple of people in it.[ftn] The first one is the eponymous[ftn] Blade.

BLADE: I’m Blade. I’m really really really cool. I won’t be talking much because I’m so super cool. I’m going to spend most of my time walking around in slow motion with a bored look on my face.

Our next good guy is Whistler. Say hello Whistler.

WHISTLER: Hello. I’ll be killed again at the start of this movie but I’ll probably be back before the end.

The other people involved in this shambolic production are:

HEROINE: I’m a Legolas wannabe. Hopefully I’ll manage to shoot two vampires with the one arrow. I’ll also indulge in a washing-off-the-blood-in-the-shower cliche.

BLIND SCIENTIST GIRL: I’ll be filling in for Q this movie. He said he wouldn’t touch it a ten foot barge pole. Here’s the magic arrow to defeat the bad guy with. You’ll only get one shot because I’m lazy so I’ve only made one. Unless the bad guy catches the arrow and gives it back to you. Then you get a second shot. He can dodge bullets, so he can probably catch arrows.

THE GUY FROM THE PIZZA PLACE: I don’t actually kill any vampires, I’m just the comic relief. My jokes are mildly funny but don’t laugh, you’ll only embarrass yourselves.

Facing this trio of bad-ass[ftn] heroes are some vampires.

VAMPIRE 1: I’m not sure why Blade thinks we’re a threat. We’re given no threatening background. We’re hippy treehugging whiny tryhard goths. Look at me. I use mac, for goodness sake. While our plan is working, I’m going to spend my time gloating. When it fails I’m going to sulk and whinge.

VAMPIRE 2: GRRRRRR! Me so tough. Vampires are better than puny humans.

VAMPIRE 3: Well, that’s not particually true. You’ll be killed by some improbable gadget the good guys have. We’re also vunerable to fire, silver, garlic, holy symbols, sunlight, stakes, holy water, decapitation and made up chemicals. A tiny bit of any of these will kill us. A friend of mine was killed by someone’s garlic breath.

VAMPIRE 4: Ah, damnit. I thought vampires were cool. Maybe we could get some gene therapy to fix these weaknesses from Dracula. Since I’m Vampire 4 I’m the one who has to stick his head into dangerous holes.

DRACULA: As the ultimate bad guy, I’m going to sit on my arse for the whole movie. I can shape shift so I’ll spend my time as either the predator, a soccer hooligan or a dead good guy. I think impersonating dead people is the best way to sneak into places.

That’s pretty much the cast. The plot goes a little something like this: The vampires awake Dracula and set the police onto Blade. Blade kills all the vampires.

The subtext of this film is the ongoing battle between good and evil; vampire hunters and vampires; Microsoft and Apple. The evil Apple vampires want to spread their cult. They claim to enlighten and are extremely self deluded. Cool Bill Gates (Blade) is trying exterminate this abomination, but is being pursued by the government for using unorthodox tactics. Apple goes to Iraq to brings back the WMD Steve Jobs (Dracula) to get back their mojo. Bill and Steve duke it out in an ultimately disappointing final scene.

Footnotes

1. Not too many. We don’t want to confuse the audience.
2. I’ve always wanted to use that word.
3. Who need quotes for sarcasm when you’ve got footnotes. Whistler and the scientist girl aren’t classified as heroes for those of you that can count.

This happened to me the other day too, at work. There I am, trying to get my new tabbed interface for the AMES Quality System working, and consolidate a whole bunch of pages into a simpler system, and this funny scratching noice keeps niggling at me. Normally when Windows makes funny noises at me, it’s because I’ve pressed ‘shift’ five times in a moment of indecision and enabled ‘StickyKeys’.

On this occasion, it was not me at all, but just the fact that I had previously done a search of a networked drive. Clearly, this is something I needed to be reminded of by the sound of a dog scratching himself. Even though I’d already looked at the results.

Ah, the Windows XP searching dog. I’ve, uh, turned him off.

Just to mention something nice about Windows — I don’t know how long it’s been doing it, but the folders in the Windows Explorer ‘folders’ sidebar are now spring-loaded: i.e. you can drag a file onto a closed folder and it opens up to show you what’s inside. Macs have been doing this for several years now, and I’m glad to see the innovation get into Windows, too, as it’s super useful.

The Lost gang are a little freaked out this week. Strange animal noises in the fuselage has everyone running around headless. It turns out to be ordinary boars, not some giant killer bear or something exciting. Still, they decide boars are tasty,[ftn] so Locke, Kate and Michael go out hunting with mixed success. The others decide that something should be done about the bodies in the fuselage because they are attracting wild animals and after four days in the sun, they’re stinking up the place. Jack argues for the whole lot to be burnt, which would conveniently double as a signal fire. The others think this is disrespectful, so Claire organises a memorial service. Sayid’s working on his transceiver.

Creepy-scar-over-his-eye Locke is flashbacking. Up until now he’s just been hanging in the background freaking people. Now he continues to freak people revealing that he has a suitcase full of knives. the outback adventurer that he makes out to be. He works in an office and he’s a colonel who works for the FBI as an Assistant Director. Or something. He has issues to work through.

I thought things were picking up last episode but with this many characters and plot lines to explore, the episodes are going to drag a bit. Not that the flashbacks aren’t interesting, they really are. I love finding out about these wackos. I just want to know what’s going on on the island more and whether they’re going to be rescued. But it’s only episode four so I’d better be patient.

Someone should circumnavigate the island. There could be all sorts of things on the other side. There’s other things that they could do to help themselves. They could build permanent shelter and organise themselves. They’re not really trying this bunch. The feel safe because it’s a tropical island rather than a desert island. They’ll probably be hunting each other within a dozen episodes. If I was in charge things would be different. I’d be king of course. I’d call it Andrawaii and there’d be polar bear meat for everyone. I don’t know how they could have left the bear there. They didn’t even skin it.[ftn]

Another thing I’d do is make Kate and Shannon stay in their underwear all day. There’s a disturbing lack of naked chicks in this episode. Shannon, who’s usually good for this sort of thing, is too busy chatting up the resident junkie Charlie. Sun and Kate decide not to wash today. I don’t know what I’m going to do for pictures for this review.

Footnotes

1. Better than fruit at any rate.[ftn]
2. Me, lying there, on my polar bear rug, chomping tasty boar while I’m being fanned by chicks in bikinis. I can see it now.
3. I’ve a question about footnotes. Should my 2 and 3 be the other way around? As I read the text I check the footnotes as I come across them, in which case I’ll read the third footnote before the second footnote, which seems wrong. Yet the 2 should be before the 3 in the text, so that Tom can read the numbers in numerical order. If I used proper text editing software it would be done automatically and I wouldn’t have this quandary. Still it’s no reason to abandon Notepad. I’ll just have to struggle on, I guess.

I need advice. See, I’ve had my old phone for a while now, and I wouldn’t mind a new one. And you can get such sweet new ones. If I get a Nokia Series 60 phone, then I can use it as a Bluetooth remote control for my computer. I could sit in bed, control DVDs, turn the computer off, open downloaded episodes of ‘The Daily Show’, etc.

It can also, of course, synchronise with my computer’s address book, calendar, etc. But all bluetooth phones could do that.

It’s reasonably nifty. But the cost… the cheapest series 60 phone seems to be $480 australian dollars.

Is it worth it? I’m thinking, no-ish.