Hi. My name is Andrew and I’ll be your voice-over man for this evening. Please sit back, relax and I’ll give you the run down of what’s about to happen in this movie. Don’t worry if you haven’t seen the first two. They’re much the same as this one. In fact, don’t see this one. Run like the wind. You can still escape before they lock the doors. Let me say a warm welcome to all you elderly and infirm who’ve been left behind as your loved ones made a dash for freedom. If you close your eyes and cover your ears and you might still avoid this movie.

This movie has a couple of people in it.[ftn] The first one is the eponymous[ftn] Blade.

BLADE: I’m Blade. I’m really really really cool. I won’t be talking much because I’m so super cool. I’m going to spend most of my time walking around in slow motion with a bored look on my face.

Our next good guy is Whistler. Say hello Whistler.

WHISTLER: Hello. I’ll be killed again at the start of this movie but I’ll probably be back before the end.

The other people involved in this shambolic production are:

HEROINE: I’m a Legolas wannabe. Hopefully I’ll manage to shoot two vampires with the one arrow. I’ll also indulge in a washing-off-the-blood-in-the-shower cliche.

BLIND SCIENTIST GIRL: I’ll be filling in for Q this movie. He said he wouldn’t touch it a ten foot barge pole. Here’s the magic arrow to defeat the bad guy with. You’ll only get one shot because I’m lazy so I’ve only made one. Unless the bad guy catches the arrow and gives it back to you. Then you get a second shot. He can dodge bullets, so he can probably catch arrows.

THE GUY FROM THE PIZZA PLACE: I don’t actually kill any vampires, I’m just the comic relief. My jokes are mildly funny but don’t laugh, you’ll only embarrass yourselves.

Facing this trio of bad-ass[ftn] heroes are some vampires.

VAMPIRE 1: I’m not sure why Blade thinks we’re a threat. We’re given no threatening background. We’re hippy treehugging whiny tryhard goths. Look at me. I use mac, for goodness sake. While our plan is working, I’m going to spend my time gloating. When it fails I’m going to sulk and whinge.

VAMPIRE 2: GRRRRRR! Me so tough. Vampires are better than puny humans.

VAMPIRE 3: Well, that’s not particually true. You’ll be killed by some improbable gadget the good guys have. We’re also vunerable to fire, silver, garlic, holy symbols, sunlight, stakes, holy water, decapitation and made up chemicals. A tiny bit of any of these will kill us. A friend of mine was killed by someone’s garlic breath.

VAMPIRE 4: Ah, damnit. I thought vampires were cool. Maybe we could get some gene therapy to fix these weaknesses from Dracula. Since I’m Vampire 4 I’m the one who has to stick his head into dangerous holes.

DRACULA: As the ultimate bad guy, I’m going to sit on my arse for the whole movie. I can shape shift so I’ll spend my time as either the predator, a soccer hooligan or a dead good guy. I think impersonating dead people is the best way to sneak into places.

That’s pretty much the cast. The plot goes a little something like this: The vampires awake Dracula and set the police onto Blade. Blade kills all the vampires.

The subtext of this film is the ongoing battle between good and evil; vampire hunters and vampires; Microsoft and Apple. The evil Apple vampires want to spread their cult. They claim to enlighten and are extremely self deluded. Cool Bill Gates (Blade) is trying exterminate this abomination, but is being pursued by the government for using unorthodox tactics. Apple goes to Iraq to brings back the WMD Steve Jobs (Dracula) to get back their mojo. Bill and Steve duke it out in an ultimately disappointing final scene.

Footnotes

1. Not too many. We don’t want to confuse the audience.
2. I’ve always wanted to use that word.
3. Who need quotes for sarcasm when you’ve got footnotes. Whistler and the scientist girl aren’t classified as heroes for those of you that can count.

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This entry was posted by the illustrious Andy Cocker on Wednesday, February 2nd, 2005. It concerns such pressing issues as . You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.