ATR Declares War on Italy


In a joint statement earlier this morning, Thomas Charman and Andrew Cocker, speaking as representatives of the vast ATYPICALREVIEW staff, declared war on Italy and all its sundry bits and pieces, if indeed it has any of those.

“This is the last straw,” said Mr Cocker. “The straw that broke the camel’s back. The straw basket that fell apart dropping all your eggs. The straw kryptonite dagger stabbing you in your back. Do you know those conniving dogs have been playing games while we slept? We’re not going to take this lying down any longer. And their nickname ‘Les Azzurri’ — the translation is ‘les blue’. How stupid is that? Les blue. Doesn’t even make any sense. What else are they hiding from us?”

The announcement came hot on the heels of Italy’s defeat of home team Germany in extra time in the World Cup semi-finals. ATR betting funds already decimated by Italy’s defeat of Australia last month were further damaged by Germany’s loss.

“The Italians have grievously and maliciously sabotaged our monetary interests in the World Cup,” declared Mr Charman. “They have dashed our hopes and dreams of boodles galore. I hereby declare war on the country, and a boycott of all their products. No more will I wear Armani Suits. My Prada shoes — in the bin.”

“Life memberships of the We Love Puccini Opera Club have been burnt by our white hot rage,” interjected Mr Cocker.

“I’ve seen my last film at Cinema Europa,” continued Mr Charman. “What else?”

“No Italian foods. No Espressos, no Spaghetti,” added Mr Cocker.

“Er. Hah. Yes, alright, no Spaghetti.” proclaimed Mr Charman hesitantly.

“No more tasty Bolognese, creamy Alfredo or bacony Carbonara sauces,” suggested Mr Cocker, “And no Minestrone.”

“Hrmmmm. OK, no Minestrone. None of those creamy and bacony and tasty sauces.” declared Mr Charman with rapidly diminishing fervour.

“No Risotto, No Lasagne,” announced Mr Cocker as he counted items off on his fingers.

“Ack! I mean, yes. No risotto, and no … sob … lasagne.” said Mr Charman, fighting back tears.

“And no pizza,” Mr Cocker concluded.

“And no… no… ” Mr Charman paused, cast a shaken look at Mr Cocker, and collapsed to his knees, eyes skyward, fists raised in rage.

“Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!” howled Mr Charman. “I’ll get you next time Italy. NEXT TIME!!!


This just in; a second, somewhat hurried statement was tearfully issued later in the day, cancelling the war and ordering a Spaghetti Bolognese Pizza from Lygon St.


Comments are closed.