Welcome, welcome. Come one, come all, and continue celebrating Grapefruit’s¹ third anniversary, and 200th review. Part 1 of this joyous occasion was over here if you’re looking for it. For those keeping score, the 200th review² was the Prince of Persia: Warrior Within review. Are you sitting comfortably? Then we’ll begin. First, I shall talk about the changing face of Grapefruit. Those who don’t give a rat’s arse about such things might like to skip to the heading that says “The Bourne Supremacy” which is a good bit and takes the piss out of Andy.

Let us now look at the many and thrilling forms that Grapefruit has taken since its formation in February 2003. Back in the day, Jackson and I still had a .Mac account, and I had my own website there, called Quencentia Prime for no real reason. A few paragraph-long reviews of TV there had given Jackson, Andy and I the reviewing bug.³ So we decided to form a review website together, which Jackson paid for, because at the time this story is set, he had money. Andrew Coulthurst, meanwhile, had started reviewing music by himself on his own website, and Tom immediately realised that there was someone who would actually review things and got him on board. The decision was wise: while Jackson has been of great support over the last three years, his review quota remains at one, plus a few comments in a recent Battlestar Galactica review.

In terms of design, Grapefruit has been through the wringer, mostly due to my incessant desire to meddle with things. Let’s take a quick look back.

The final design above was the first design to have the photoshopped blue/orange header pics that remain a part of the site to this day, chiefly because I put a lot of work into them⁴ and didn’t want to get rid of them.

Who knows what designs lie ahead for Grapefruit? Only one thing is truly certain — I’m the only person that cares. Let us move on once more.

In part one of this extravaganza, an attempt was made to profile the mysterious me. Far less enigmatic of course than my excellent self is my ever-present sidekick, Andy. He has however been the source of some of Grapefruit’s funniest reviews. Let’s go behind the scenes of Grapefruit, and take a look at the man they call Andy Cocker — his mystery, his madness, and his legacy.

The Bourne Supremacy

6th December 2004

I still remember when Andy first came to the Grapefruit office. A young, wannabe reviewer — you know the type, all enthusiasm and no hesitation — with no memory of his past. Then he began to have flashes of the horrid movies he’d seen. At first, when he remembered The Bourne Supremacy, he still had some hope; by the time he had remembered The One, he was the bitter, sarcastic Andy we are familiar with today.

Buffy | Lies My Parents Told Me

30th July 2003

I must take some of the blame for breaking his spirit though. When they were handing out shows to review, I jumped in and took the bad, but not so painful season four of Angel, leaving him with season seven of Buffy. It almost broke his spirit completely. I would come into the office to find him crying in frustration. “Why do the ubervamps’ level of strength randomly?” he would demand of me. “Why do they keep writing shit speeches for Buffy when they took the piss out of them in episode 16?” And I would say, “It’s alright dear, it’s alright, rest now, you don’t have to fight this battle.” And he would say, “I bloody will. I’ve got a plan. I call it the Checklist of Death.”

It often takes me a while to realise that a show I loved is truly sucking. I still remember defending Byron on Babylon 5 for a time. Andrew’s bitter reduction of season seven’s final episodes to the pitiful formula behind them, however, could convince anyone. Maybe even Joss.

Stargate SG-1 | Fallout

14th September 2004

The malice and anger would manifest itself in different ways. Sometimes, Andy would just rant at the screen uncontrollably. On one occasion, he managed to write it down. I could never understand his anger at Jonas — what’s one more boring character on Stargate? — but it spilt forth like a torrent when Jonas returned for a final fling in ‘Fallout’.

On an historical note, Andy’s random insertion of a picture of Kirsten Dunst started a snowball effect of hot women (and occasionally men) occupying the second picture.

Honey

30th June 2004

But for one brief, shining moment, something else came into Andy’s life to give him hope. That something was the delectable Jessica Alba.⁵ For a time, he regained his lost joie-de-vivre; speaking with magnificent eloquence about Miss Alba’s incredible beauty and even being taken with the spirit of homieness. Homiality. Er, homiescence.

And yet, the film was average, and Andy’s hopes for his one true love were crushed. But not as much as they were by the double act of Fantastic Four and Into the Blue. Once again he found himself inconsolably sarcastic.

Luckily, with this old bastard hanging around Grapefruit, we have some folk whose enthusiasm is boundless.

The Prisoner of Azkaban

20th June 2004

Rather than peppering her reviews with a near infinite number of superlatives like certain other reviewers we could mention, Jess gets three key descriptors out of the way first, and then goes into detail. Her conclusion? A quality adaptation. What was unexpected was her desire to see the love-child of Michael Gambon and Richard Harris, but given Harris’ current lack of being alive, this seems unlikely in the extreme — or even more gross. Ew. Excuse me.

Where was I? Ah yes. Perhaps Jess has been learning something from Andy — her crush on Sean Biggerstaff causes her the most concern with the film. Why can’t these viewers gain some objectivity and not be led around by their loins? Shannon Jones, I turn to you!

Alias | The Enemy Walks In

29th July 2003

Things are looking good. In one of Shannon’s earliest reviews, she comes down hard on Seven’s Jennifer-exploiting sex-bomb ad campaigns that mash an entire season’s sexy bits into thirty seconds and make the show look almost as sleazy as Las Vegas. But then… what’s this? Michael Vartan is yummy? How can she write this with a straight… line… after writing that paragraph? It turns out, Shannon is in fact for sex-based advertising, just as long as there’s blokes in it too. After admitting she’s been holding her breath for six months,⁶ she then takes a pot-shot at the boys for supposedly waiting to see Jennifer Garner in a bikini. Ah, Shannon, I had such high hopes.

The Journal of Alexia the Wise

24th August 2003 — 22nd August 2004

Our little celebration wouldn’t be complete without mentioning Alexia. Though this renegade from some kind of weird fantasy dimension has yet to review anything, her epic story has thrilled, delighted, amused and confused many over the years. Obscure in-jokes may go over the head of mass audiences, but what better sort of content to use on a site with less than twenty regular readers?⁷ For full points, spot the references to The Phantom Menace, Jackson, Red Riding Hood, and every single song you might hear from a jukebox in a Banff diner. You’ll find a lot of websites out there with game walkthroughs, but none can hold a candle to these journals.

Congratulations to all Grapefruit reviewers for helping the site go on as long as it has, congratulations to Shannon for rambling interestingly, congratulations to Andrew for keeping things classy, and special to the inimitable Andy for providing the yin to my yang. Or vice versa.

1. And what better time to celebrate than while the site is still called ‘Grapefruit’, and not ‘Entirely Possible’, or whatever it ends up as? ↩
2. Assuming you count the summaries of old Quencentia Prime reviews of Buffy and Angel. And we are. So why wouldn’t you? ↩
3. Or possibly, gave Tom the reviewing bug, and he bullied the others into pretending to have it. ↩
4. Well, I read a Photoshop tutorial and did the same thing about 40 times. That’s hard work when you can’t be bothered learning Applescript. ↩
5. I told Jessica we were having a party and she brought her own balloon. ↩
6. Still inadvisable. ↩
7. Not necessarily true. Could be more. I like to hope. ↩

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This entry was posted by the illustrious Tom Charman on Wednesday, March 8th, 2006. It concerns such pressing issues as Buffy the Vampire Slayer, film, jessica alba, Stargate SG-1, tv, website, writings. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.