Lies, Damned Lies

Uncategorized Thursday, May 5th, 2005

 

I went and installed me a nice, simple stats program the other day — Shortstat by Shaun Inman. You can have a look (oh no you can’t — I’ve got a Mint now) at the grapefruit stats whenever you like, but allow me to summarise some of the amusements from 1 week of uptime.

Firstly — Grapefruit isn’t a super popular site. You all knew that. I just thought I’d get it out of the way. In the last week there have been 208 ‘unique’ viewers. But this includes crawlers and search engines, which account for 41% of our traffic, apparently. I myself am responsible for 13% of our bandwidth, unless someone else out there is using Safari. Our most popular Web browser is Firefox. Go Firefox! Yay! Our most popular country is the USA. Yay America! W00t!

The funny stuff comes from the searches though. Not google searches, because they take you to decent sites that people know about. No, it’s MSN and Yahoo! searchers that come our way. Here’s a few of their strings:

  • personnel sex show. Bad spellers out for porn I suppose.
  • shannon me riley. Looks like someone wants Marc Blucas and our dear Shannon in a threesome.
  • my giddy aunt. Now they want my aunt. Those stinky perverts.
  • Angel Cordy Buffy. A much more sensible threesome. This one I’d watch.
  • do people come back from the dead. When you’re asking Jeeves about such weighty issues you’ve really got problems. I hope we could help, in a ninth page of results kind of capacity.
  • will smith the grapefruit. Further proof that when people search, they add random fruit names to their seaches.
  • funny animated gif. Heh. You won’t find any of those on the net. Did you mean…
  • “mutating humans” -porn -articles -movies -films -comics. How specific. It didn’t even occur to me that people would have mutating human porn. Now I’m oddly curious. I mean, no I’m not.
  • Kate Shearman. This was from an Australian site, too. Googling yourself Kate? You’ll go blind. Well, OK, not googling. But Yahooing doesn’t sounds as funny.

Reassuringly, some people google for things like “buffy girl in question” or “Knights of the Old Republic” and come here. Good to know.

376

This entry was posted by the illustrious Tom Charman on Thursday, May 5th, 2005. It concerns such pressing issues as . You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

7 Responses to “Lies, Damned Lies”


  1. Shannon
    May 5th, 2005 at 9:01 pm

    So, did you get a number??…


  2. Penny
    May 6th, 2005 at 1:28 am

    Do people come back from the dead eh? Well the answer is a no. In real life- Human tissue once either embalmed or put in the coroners fridge stays dead. AS for more details you would have to ask my editor if I can give the world of grapfruits a dead zone area do go in to those details that programs like CSI or any drama show involving bodies on the slab.

    NB I’m writting this from the 36 floor of a head quarters of a large multinational. With fantastic views over the Skyscrapers of the CBD- Temping executive work eh? Cheeerrrsss..


  3. Tom
    May 6th, 2005 at 1:59 am

    Sorry, Shannon, no. They didn’t leave a number.

    Penny — just because you haven’t seen someone come back doesn’t mean they won’t one day break down their little fridge doors and come after you. And, also, no.

    The 36th floor? Do you have express lifts and such?


  4. penny
    May 7th, 2005 at 8:10 pm

    Yeah man it was a total BladeRunner kind of office.It was a multinational Japanese corporation decked out with this Japanese corporate headquarters thing going on. I have seen a few people looking allot like Lucy Liu, the extension list has all sorts of Japanese names like Yokoshiru, and Saito- I haven’t been in to the board room yet but I’m sure there is a set of Japanese armour with a katana rack lurking around some where.The corporate kitchen has tea ceremony equipment to go- and every thing is just too small. Getting in to the building you have to by pass the 80’s corporate marble and your ears tend to pop around the 20th floor. I can easily imagine I’m working for the Yakuza- this is one temp assignment I think I will put in my CV. Last day Monday. Hence I haven’t put in a review which is bad… Sorry.


  5. Tom
    June 2nd, 2005 at 10:24 am

    Just had to pop back here to give a status report. I might just continue to dump the best searches here. Or make a special page for it, but that seems a bit of a self-indulgent thing to do for a site of such paltry traffic.

    • Gay Australian Boys. And they came here. Amusingly, the review that led her here was by a Straight New Zealander Woman. I would have thought it’d be my weblog post on ‘Pride and Prejudice’.
    • “Uba Mask” review. Go Neil!
    • “Tom Charman” melbourne. Someone’s looking for me! Hey, I’m over here! I suspect it’s one of the hordes of heartbroken Canadians I left behind last year.
    • The most common search string leading here is “Rubber Tree”. Go figure.

    Interestingly, someone other than me has been using the Grapefruit news feeds. It seems they subscribed to one of the weblogs back when they were separate. Jackson’s, to be precise, which probably explains why they haven’t noticed any problems. Amusingly, this makes his now non-existent feed the most requested file on grapefruit.


  6. Tom
    June 15th, 2005 at 8:16 pm

    And by “someone other than me” I meant of course “someone who is me but is too stupid to realise it”. Sorry if you thought you had a secret admirer, Jackson.

    I also apologise to the person who wanted a sex scene with Charisma Carpenter and got my Alias review instead. I’m getting ideas for words to slip into my next review in order to make it the most searched for review ever.


  7. Jackson
    June 17th, 2005 at 3:47 pm

    And here I’d gone and had all these promotional shots of me printed off. I’d even autographed them in anticipation of my new-found celebrity status and now you tell me it’s all a lie and I’m not famous???

    Seriously what am I going to do with them? There’s at least five hundred.

↑
↓