Umm… Well, this is just a little bit embarrasing. I have spent the last 36 hours locked in emergency mettings of the executive committee of Efuwob (Earthlings for a Universe without Bush). We were anticipating there would be at least a couple months of legal battles before Dubya stole this election. As a result our plans to seek exile on a liberal planet where we can carry out experiments on aborted foetuses and marry members of the same sex till our hearts are content are running a little behind schedule.

There are two major problems we must overcome. Firstly we lack an interplanetary space craft. However we do not see this as a major obstacle. Bush has previously announced plans to have men walking on Mars by around 2030. If an intellect such as his thinks we can overcome the problem of interplanetary travel in 25 years, we should have it solved by this afternoon.

The second problem is potentially more serious — the need for a suitable host planet. Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus and Neptune are made of gas so there would be nowhere to put the massive statue of Michael Moore we plan to erect. Pluto is so small and so bloody far away that it isn’t really a planet and, anyway, as good pure liberal anti-solarsystemisation types we wouldn’t want to live somewhere named after a cartoon character owned by one of the largest multiplanetal corporations. Venus has a runaway greenhouse effect and surface temperatures of 350 C, so clearly Venusians are about as pro-Kyoto as Bush himself. Mars would be ideal although as I’ve already mentioned Bush wants to go there so we’d rather burn in Hell. Or burn on Mercury, which as the only planet left would be our home. With its 400 C days, -150 C nights and no atmosphere it would be an ideal clean slate for a new land of the free and home of the brave. And best of all, a Mercurian day is almost as long as its year so we’d only be 20 or so sleeps away from the end of the Bush presidency (that is until President Bush III). (The possibility of looking for a planet outside the solar system was briefly explored. However, since the nearest of these would take tens of thousands of years to reach and since we are cautiously optimistic that there will be at least one Democratic president some time before the next ice age, it is perhaps a little far to go.)

We have set up a subcommittee to flesh out the details and expect them to report back very soon. Until then we recommend you stay away from any countries without a large evangelical Christian population in case Bush decides to invade them, and otherwise sit in self-righteous smugness knowing that at least you are smart enough to realise Bush is the biggest idiot ever to walk the planet even if 60 million dumb stupid Americans who voted for him aren’t.

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This entry was posted by the illustrious Andrew Coulthurst on Friday, November 5th, 2004. It concerns such pressing issues as . You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.