Tom Charman

The situation in Lebanon is truly horrific. I was shocked that after hearing the smooth-talking Israeli Foreign Minister outline their plan on The 7:30 Report I almost thought it was a completely legitimate policy to bomb a country into oblivion and then open negotiations. Everything’s so messy over there that I can barely form an opinion either way, but there’s one particular, far less controversial, aspect which befuddles me.

How do you spell Hezbollah?

All the Australian news (i.e. ABC Online) seems agreed on the above spelling. But then I was reading TIME.com and found that they prefer “Hizballah”. Well, I thought, I’m sure we can clear this up. I’ll just google it. There’s bound to be a simple answer.

Ahem. Potential spellings of Hezbollah include:

• Hezbollah
• Hizballah
• Hisballah
• Hizbollah
• Hezballah
• Hizbullah
• Hisbollah
• Hizb’ALLAH
• Hizb Allah

I eventually found my way to Wikipedia (I would have gotten there straight away but I, er, spelled Hezbollah incorrectly). Those last ones there give an insight into the word: turns out translating from Arabic is tricky sometimes. “Hizb” means “party”, and you may remember “Allah” (God) from some of his previous work. Apparently the Lebanese dialect gets Hizb closer to Hezb, hence some of the confusion. Wikipedia claimed that Al Jazeera used the final spelling but a quick check reveals them to conform with the very common “Hezbollah”.

I hope I’ve cleared that up for everyone. I expect I’ve missed some vital piece of the puzzle where all the confusion was started as a plan to vaguely irritate the party into surrendering.

In a joint statement earlier this morning, Thomas Charman and Andrew Cocker, speaking as representatives of the vast ATYPICALREVIEW staff, declared war on Italy and all its sundry bits and pieces, if indeed it has any of those.

“This is the last straw,” said Mr Cocker. “The straw that broke the camel’s back. The straw basket that fell apart dropping all your eggs. The straw kryptonite dagger stabbing you in your back. Do you know those conniving dogs have been playing games while we slept? We’re not going to take this lying down any longer. And their nickname ‘Les Azzurri’ — the translation is ‘les blue’. How stupid is that? Les blue. Doesn’t even make any sense. What else are they hiding from us?”

The announcement came hot on the heels of Italy’s defeat of home team Germany in extra time in the World Cup semi-finals. ATR betting funds already decimated by Italy’s defeat of Australia last month were further damaged by Germany’s loss.

“The Italians have grievously and maliciously sabotaged our monetary interests in the World Cup,” declared Mr Charman. “They have dashed our hopes and dreams of boodles galore. I hereby declare war on the country, and a boycott of all their products. No more will I wear Armani Suits. My Prada shoes — in the bin.”

“Life memberships of the We Love Puccini Opera Club have been burnt by our white hot rage,” interjected Mr Cocker.

“I’ve seen my last film at Cinema Europa,” continued Mr Charman. “What else?”

“No Italian foods. No Espressos, no Spaghetti,” added Mr Cocker.

“Er. Hah. Yes, alright, no Spaghetti.” proclaimed Mr Charman hesitantly.

“No more tasty Bolognese, creamy Alfredo or bacony Carbonara sauces,” suggested Mr Cocker, “And no Minestrone.”

“Hrmmmm. OK, no Minestrone. None of those creamy and bacony and tasty sauces.” declared Mr Charman with rapidly diminishing fervour.

“No Risotto, No Lasagne,” announced Mr Cocker as he counted items off on his fingers.

“Ack! I mean, yes. No risotto, and no … sob … lasagne.” said Mr Charman, fighting back tears.

“And no pizza,” Mr Cocker concluded.

“And no… no… ” Mr Charman paused, cast a shaken look at Mr Cocker, and collapsed to his knees, eyes skyward, fists raised in rage.

“Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!” howled Mr Charman. “I’ll get you next time Italy. NEXT TIME!!!“

NEWS FLASH — BREAKING UPDATE

This just in; a second, somewhat hurried statement was tearfully issued later in the day, cancelling the war and ordering a Spaghetti Bolognese Pizza from Lygon St.

I apologise. I remember in my innocent youth, I accused you of being a boring character. Boy scout, dull, goody goody, lacking angst and pain and all that stuff that cool characters like Batman had.

Now, I see Superman Returns, and I’m reminded of how fresh you are for lacking a lot of that. Not many superheroes remind those rescued from a crashing plane that air travel is still, statistically, the safest way to fly. And even if they did, none of them could do it and still seem as cool as you. How could I forget how awesome you were?

Oh yeah, Smallville. Huh. Ah well.

I’m also very glad that, even though there were potential angst-inducing moments in Superman Returns, your character didn’t wallow much. You get on with the job. I like it. You’re a straight-forward guy, and therein lies your charm.

If I was disappointed at seeing you in action this time around, it was only that your body was tested so much more than your mind and ethics. You’re a smart cookie, and Returns didn’t give you much of an opportunity to show that. Here’s hoping there’s a sequel.

P.S. Kate Bosworth is really cute.