I’m worried about Andy. You may remember him from his Californication reviews last year; sadly, there appears to be no other show on television with a high enough boobie count to pique his interest.

Or so I thought. I’ve discovered that his neglect of this website has coincided with his interest in gardening. As I rarely venture outside, this has gone largely unnoticed by me. Occasionally, he would wander off to a Bunnings hardware store, and come back with stuff that smelled of poo, and seeds, and rubber tubes. I guess I should have realised then that something horrible might be happening.

But recently, I’ve heard Andy sitting outside talking to them. Even from the safety of my room I can make out his insane ramblings. He seems to have an unhealthy affection for his creations, and spurns his once-friends for being “human vermin”. It’s just a harmless phase, I thought. There’s no danger. He’ll get through it. Click on the images below for the horrible story to unfold.

I can hear him stirring in his room. I can only assume the pumpkin has established some level of telepathic communication with its leader. This may be the last thing I ever write. I’ve barricaded the door, but I don’t think I can keep it out; it’s insidious. I can feel its psychic tendrils invading my mind. Can no one help me?

This entry was posted by the illustrious Tom Charman on Friday, February 8th, 2008. It concerns such pressing issues as evil plants, gardening. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.