Does Van Helsing really deserve a review? No. But, this will be the closest Grapefruit has come to reviewing a movie on its release date ever, and the opportunity was too tempting to pass up.

The reason I say Van Helsing deserves no review is simply that it gives you exactly what you’d expect. You know Stephen Sommers (of The Mummy and The Mummy Returns) will give you a somewhat bland action film with a few laughs. You know that Hugh Jackman will be charming and cool, while still a vulnerable hero. You know that Kate Beckinsale is the most beautiful woman on the planet, but that she seems to only appear in crummy movies.

In truth, I’d kind of hoped that all these elements would add up to more than the sum of their parts. The sad truth behind the spectacle of course is that they don’t. You might not be able to believe it, but Van Helsing in places actually seems to take itself seriously, which was a mighty shame. The action I found more involving than The Mummy Returns — but then that stuff was pretty crap. The best part of that film was, for me, the undead chase along the streets of London in a double decker bus, and there’s a similar feel to this film, especially with an early fight in and around Notre Dame.

However Sommers hasn’t escaped the chief problem of Returns — his over-reliance on computer generated action. Someone should send a memo out around Hollywood, just pointing out: CGI People Cannot Yet Pass for Humans In Films. Go back to the drawing board, guys. I know it costs a bit more money, and forces you to do a bit more thinking, but actual stunts performed by actual people really do help ground a movie. At least alternate between the two, please.

The film occasionally falls from unconvincing to stupid, also. You don’t have to fear falling off buildings in Van Helsing‘s world — it seems to harbour an over-abundance of dangling wires that will break your fall, or allow you to swing away to safety. In fact, they’re guaranteed to swing you to safety, and have a better than average chance of throwing you directly to the aid of a desperate friend. A pleasant universe indeed.

There are of course pleasant sides to the film. Hugh Jackman couldn’t be crap if he tried. His Gabriel Van Helsing (not Abraham people, who on earth were you thinking of?) is a tortured yet accepting soul, wandering the earth doing good in the hope of finding lost memories. There’s a lot of them about recently, but it’s especially amusing that Jackman has played two of their kind on film. Kate Beckinsale manages a wonderfully sultry Transylvanian accent (I can’t vouch of course for its accuracy), and plays her not quite as powerful second fiddle hero with the right balance of humanity and anger. And, leather pants. Oh yes. David Wenham does alright with that most awful of stereotyped roles — the dorky yet brilliant advisor.

Richard Roxburgh is so amazingly over the top as Dracula that he deserves his own paragraph. Some will hate him, but I kind of enjoyed it. He certainly livened up every scene he was in.

Finally, I should mention that the plot, as far as I noticed, was at least internally consistent and without holes. It was vaguely enjoyable for them to discover vampire lore as they went, and fun to see the cavalcade of screen monsters pass by. The film even has one or two surprises. Worth seeing if you’ve a hankering for action and self-important ridiculousness.

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This entry was posted by the illustrious Tom Charman on Sunday, May 9th, 2004. It concerns such pressing issues as . You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.