Saturdays
4.00pm: Get to work. Tuck in shirt, put on tie. It’s a big, greek wedding. But not fat. In fact, the bride is pretty hot. All the brides at these weddings seem to be hot. I suppose the ugly girls just don’t bother. Turn brain off. Do what I’m told.
6.30: Cute girl working with me says something to me, but by the time my brain has powered up again, she’s already gone away. Irritated, I turn my brain off again in a fit of pique.
7.30: Power on again to find a parent complaining that the children don’t like the pasta sauce in their entrée. Looks delicious to me, so I’m unsympathetic. We’re not a restaurant. Find boss, make it his problem, turn brain off.
9.00: Oh the agony. Plate after plate that these losers haven’t quite finished/started gets chucked out. And I HAVE TO WATCH. It’s cruel and unusual punishment. The little shits (kids) haven’t eaten their hamburgers either. Quickly turn my brain off before I begin to sob.
9.20: Speeches. This means food for me. Am told to eat it all in 5 minutes as we’re pressed for time. I make it in 3 as I’m starving and the food is delicious.
12.00am: Packing up time. Many of the drunker guests haven’t quite managed to leave yet, so we pack up around them in the hope of getting the point. Again I managed to be completely ignored in a conversation where everyone else is asked what course they’re doing. Losers. They only ever talk about sport anyway. I’ve never heard anyone talk about TV at these jobs.
1.15: Sweeping. Brain’s off again at this point, and remains largely off until I drive home. At end of night, have beer stains on my elbow, with another small trickle down the side of my shirt, big gravy stain on right, mystery stain on right elbow. Assorted cuff stains. Have broken only 3 glasses, in an incident that wasn’t completely my fault. Must try harder.
2.00: Read Andy’s log, decide: ‘I can do that’.
2.38: Realise catering just isn’t as funny as pizza delivery. Estimate brain has spent only one of the last 8 hours operating, a personal best.
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