He That Believeth in Me
Hi Battlestar. Please sit down. We’ve asked you to come over because there’s something we want to talk to you about. Look I don’t know how to say this, so I’m just going to come out with it. This is an intervention to stop your self-destructive behaviour. All last season you’ve been acting crazy and deranged. You’re not the Battlestar that we used to know.
No, let me talk for a minute. I’ve been thinking about this since last season and I made up my mind over the break. We’re very concerned about you. You have a serious problem.
Please don’t take this too personally. We’d just like to discuss your behaviour in an objective manner. For starters, you kill babies, at least once a year, and that sickens us. You’ve sworn off baby-killing? Thank goodness we see eye to eye on that one at least. And you’ll stop claiming the Cylons have a plan? That’s good too.
We love this new long gorgeous space battle you got. It’s got great flashy lighting effects and explosions. This is good healthy action. When the civilian fleet is under attack and lots of people might die, it’s all so very tense. Very nice. One of the things I always liked about you was seeing a Galactica and a basestar going toe to toe. We’re glad to see you’re keeping that up.
You need to stop the soap opera of last year. Seriously, a little romantic tension is good, but Kara and Lee’s affair would be more suited to The Bold and the Beautiful than to someone of your standing. Please could you do something with your plot this season, unlike the start of last season where every one ended up back in space after leaving New Caprica. And if you’re going to finally using the final five, please don’t just waive them about as a mystery. We want to see something done with them this year.
Thank you for being so receptive. We have high hopes for this season, what with Kara returning and the continuing Wacky Misdventures of Gaius Baltar. We believe in you.
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