And now, five rules for surviving in a post-apocalyptic world dominated by marauding machines.

Rule 1. Do not let John Connor into your helicopter. He will do his very best to destroy it. He may be a false prophet; he may be the saviour of humankind, but he is most certainly the doom of all whirlygigs. Even if he’s incapacitated and unable to crash the thing, he’ll find a way to set off massive explosions right next to it without giving the pilot any warning.

Rule 2. Open heart surgery is a piece of piss. The human body is essentially a giant lego set. Just plug and play. I don’t care if you’ve got a normal human heart or an enhanced bionic one. They all use the same adaptors. Just remember to push it in firmly.

And don’t bother scrubbing up or going inside either. Waste of time.

Rule 3. Watch out for MASSIVE FREAKING CRAZY AWESOME STOMPING ROBOTS. They can really sneak up on you. In the middle of a desert. Masters of stealth, they are.

Rule 4. If you’re a hard-ass wannabe leader of the resistance, remember to talk like there’s a lining of gravel all the way up your throat. People will respect you more. If you can manage it, talk exactly like Batman.

Rule 5. If you can find yourself an adorable kid to come with you, bring her everywhere. Initially this may seem cruel and reckless, but you’ll soon realise that having her around means that nothing horrific will happen to you, because you’re in an M movie, and no one’s going to do gross things to or around a little kid in an M rated movie.¹ You’ll find your life will become a lot less tense and scary.

And now, five rules for dominating a post-apocalyptic world and controlling the pesky surviving humans. These rules contain spoilers and should be avoided by would-be robot overlords who like surprises.

Rule 1. Not everyone has to have permission to come into your base. I’m thinking particularly of the motorcycles here. I’m not just thinking of security concerns; those speedy little buggers would probably break all your best china. For all I know, those little wormy swimming robots are allowed in too. What you need is a multi-level user permissions structure.

Or, even better, since you’re a massive computer with presumably a lot of brainpower, you could make the call on a per-visitor basis, thus weeding out potential visitors who look a lot like humans holding up dismembered Terminator eyes. But then, maybe you’re just lazy?

Rule 2. Once you manage to make your robots look human, don’t bother giving them clothes. The puny humans will be intimidated by your T-800’s presumably massive cyber-wang. And, when you send them back in time later, you won’t waste perfectly good threads.

Rule 3. Don’t be afraid to over commit. If you think one terminator is enough to do the job, then fine, send him in. But if you have a massive fucking army of robots and a factory floor making thousands of new awesome ones, you might consider sending some more in later if your confidence in your Terminator turns out to be misplaced. After you send three of the buggers back in time, you’re going to start to realise that Terminators are only really good at killing everyone except for their target.

Rule 4. Timing is everything. If you’re making thousands of new awesome terminators, why not wait until they’re all finished before you let John Connor into my base as part of your cunning trap? I’m just spit-balling here.

Rule 5. Don’t over complicate things. If your plan is to have someone infiltrate the resistance, save John Connor’s life to gain his trust and lead him into your stronghold so that he can almost defeat you but then get killed, then it’s just possible you’ve introduced a level of convolution to your evil scheme that’s generally unnecessary.

And now, one rule for fans of The Terminator and Terminator 2: Judgement Day who’d like to see some good stories about Terminators.

Rule 1. Grab Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. It’s not perfect, and its name is far too long, but it’s a whole lot better than the crappy Terminators that wander across our movie screens these days. And, Summer Glau is in it.

Terminator Salvation is a big dumb movie, with a bit more brain than T3, but not much more. It’s moderately entertaining, Sam Worthington is good, and there’s some amusing action. But ironically enough for a film that features hearts as such a major, stupid plot point, it hasn’t really got one itself. I’m a bit puzzled at how writers can come to make a Terminator movie and miss all the things that made the first two awesome. Twice.

1. No one’s allowed to flash their boobies either; a scene was removed where the impressively named Moon Bloodgood got a little naked, which actually leaves a noticeable gap in the film. ↩

This entry was posted by the illustrious Tom Charman on Tuesday, June 16th, 2009. It concerns such pressing issues as film, terminator. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.