Team America: World Police


Warning: the following review may contain coarse language, and puppet sex. Continue reading at your discretion.

Team America: World Police is a movie with puppets in it. A la Thunderbirds,1 these puppets are supported by wires. They’re made of plastic. They have very few facial expressions. They half walk, half float. Some of these puppets are killed in various gruesome ways. And yet it was the puppet sex scene that almost made the film illegal for any under-18 year old American to see it.

Now don’t get me wrong, I already knew that sex was much much worse than violence for a young person to see. I knew that society had decreed that seeing Jean Claude Van Damme gun down a room full of people was acceptable for kids, but seeing a boob on screen — or, heaven forbid, a penis — was potentially mentally scarring. But now it seems, even puppets engaging in vigorous sexual activity is a big problem. Puppets with no organs of any sort.2

Of all the reasons I’d like to leave this planet, this is the latest.

If you, like me, have decided to stay on Earth despite these problems, then I can certainly recommend you catch Team America. This film has everything. Romance. Songs. Sex. Violence. Actors. Terrorists. Explosions. Above all, it’s a parody of the Jerry Bruckheimer school of filmmaking, and if you’ve seen any bog-standard action film, then you’ll find something amusing in this one.

It also has a lot of bad language. If you’re one of those people who comes out of a film thinking “Hmmm, that film could have been really good, but all the swearing ruined it,” then don’t see this film — stay home and stop procreating. The rest of you, who have some idea of how language works and the power invested in words by our culture, should enjoy this.3 The “pussies, dicks and arseholes” speech is particularly magnificent for managing to fit those three words in everywhere possible and still be one of the more sensible things said about American politics this year.4

If you like South Park, aren’t put off by excessive language, and enjoy a good parody, then this is your film. In fact, if you only see one puppet movie this year, see Team America. Fuck yeah.

  1. If only the actual Thunderbirds film had been made with puppets.
  2. It all begs many questions. What would the rating have been if it were a film with humans simulating sex with all their clothes on? Should Ken and Barbie dolls be withheld from children under 18?
  3. I still want a sci-fi series with swearing. I want someone to see a bloody huge warship on their viewscreen and say “Oh fuck.” I want this very badly. Farscape almost got there. I’m surprised those pesky translator microbes couldn’t manage to translate the word “frell”. I’ve got a pretty good idea what it means, and I’m not even a professional translator.
  4. The others of course could be found on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. America, listen to me. I want you all to watch only Comedy Central until you’re old enough to think for yourselves.
If you betray us, I'll rip your fucking balls off and stuff them up your arse. So the next time you shit, you'll shit all over your balls. — Chris

Comments are closed.