The Oscars are an awards ceremony. Compared to school speech nights, they’re amazingly entertaining. And everyone’s waaaaay hotter. You’ve just got to keep your finger on the fast-forward button. Don’t watch it live. The only reason to watch it live is if you’re actually there, in which case, why are you even paying attention? Go get Keira Knightley to stop sitting next to Jack Nicholson and pay you some attention. Jon Stewart did a good job too. His humour was a bit nervous, but exactly in his style — which didn’t seem to always go down well with the audience. But then, I didn’t see Charlize Theron smile once, so there’s clearly no pleasing some people.

Anyhow, the purpose of this missive is to point out that the time is golden for a resurgence of that “Witherspoon” joke. It works best in the morning, ideally not when someone has just seen the news. Say “Oooh, did you hear about that girl who won the oscar, she was stabbed to death! I forget her name. Reece…” At some point, the person will say “Witherspoon,” to which you reply “No! With a knife!”

Comedy Gold. Go forth and make people groan and hit you.