With two hundred reviews under our belt,¹ it’s time to look back at what we’ve accomplished and reveal some things about ourselves. There are many things readers of Grapefruit would like to know.² The most common is “Who is this shady character called Tom Charman?” We know so little about him, the most prolific reviewer on Grapefruit. Where does he come from? Who does he serve and who does he trust?

I’ve seen many a crime type show in my time and I’m able to deduce a few key characteristics of this enigmatic figure from his reviews.

Thee Silver Mt Zion Memorial Orchestra | Horses in the Sky

8th July 2005

He is vengeful. While Tom is indeed the most active reviewer on Grapefruit, his reign is by no means unchallenged. Tom has long let the realm of music reviews grow wild under the eclectic tastes of Mr Coulthurst. He informed us about a wide variety of bands, ranging from ‘alternate’ all the way to ‘independent’. Over time he grew confident: despite having reviewed only one percent of his music collection, Mr Coulthurst sought to disturb the status quo and impose his liberal commie pinko views by bringing down Grapefruit. He attempted to expose a flaw in the site by reviewing an album with a long name. A very long name. Longer than Grapefruit could handle! Thanks to emergency coding by Tom, this disaster was avoided. Such defiance would not be tolerated. Revenge is a dish best served cold so Tom bided his time. Two months later Tom struck back, writing a music review…

Triple J’s Hottest 100 Volume 12

20th September 2005

He likes a challenge. Reviewing the entire 100 songs of Triple J’s hottest 100 volume 12 was an ambitious feat. He came close, if you count getting to within 60 songs as close. I don’t. Statistically, he only managed 40%, which is a fail. He might be able to wheedle a sup³ from his lecturer though.

Despite this massive failure in this review by Tom, it manages to be the longest one on Grapefruit. So long, that it’s rumoured to be bottomless. Who here has gazed into this abyss and returned unchanged? What secrets does it hold? Why does it have a panda as its main picture? Does Tom belong to the WWF? Does he just like pandas? Or does he love pandas?

The Return of the King

25th February 2004

He likes danger. His stance on The Return of the King as an average film angered the fanboys and girls and led to a Grapefruit record of 55 comments. He made polemical claims that Peter Jackson uses too much slow motion and Aragorn did not get the character development that was his by birthright. He also excuses the absence of the Scouring of the Shire! Such a view is so blatantly ridiculous that it must be staged in an attempt to provoke the Lord of the Rings faithful into a savage commenting frenzy.

Alias | Mockingbird

25th October 2005

He has no manners. He breaks up with someone in an open letter on Grapefruit. Very embarrassing for all concerned. I didn’t wish to snoop deeply into private affairs — even when they spill out in public — but it sounds like they were into threesomes and S&M. I remember reading about a Rachel who was brought in to spice up the relationship and some violent behaviours.

Since I know you want to know though, I feel that I am duty bound to satisfy your curiousity by reading this letter. For your sake. You’ve forced me. Hmmm. I was wrong about this letter. This girl Tom picked up on the rebound sounds violent. Tom felt that the best way to deter this stalker was by posting this public break up in the hope that she would come to her senses and leave him alone.

He has a dream that one day boobies will be part of the plot. This almost happened in Alias but a high level of plot relevant boobies could not be suspended indefinitely. There was the inevitable sagging of the plausibility. There was foreshadowing in Angel season 4 about the nature of Cordelia’s pair but Joss fumbled it. Let’s hope that someday, somewhere, someone will look at a pair of breasts and think “I could make a movie about these two”.

I ♥ Huckabees

6th January 2005

He is on the Search. The search for the perfect movie. He mentions, in several reviews, the words ‘near-perfect’. This movie was close; so close that he said how much he hearts it and wants to marry it. This review is also marks a PB for Tom: ten footnotes. Tom hasn’t hit double figures again since then but recent 8 footnote reviews indicate that his best form may still be ahead of him. And so he carries on his search; for the perfect movie and more footnotes.⁴

Buffy the Vampire Slayer | Conversations with Dead People

2nd April 2003

He’s ruthless. He’s not afraid to cut someone off⁵ for trivial, unjust, incomprehensible reasons and install a puppet reviewer. An articulate puppet reviewer who thoughtfully explores the decline of the noble art of vampirism in Sunnydale while revealing massive spoilers about the rest of the season.⁶

This one-time reviewing stooge of Tom’s has trouble understanding the nature of the First. Quite simply it’s the biggest bad guy of all time.⁷ It’s like the Emperor Palpatine, Sauron and robotic Hitler all mushed into one ethereal form that can shapeshift and has cultist and ubervamp followers. Its motives, like that of the gods, can not be analysed. Its ways are mysterious. If it wishes to sit on its fat arse for the whole season then it does so.

So in conclusion, while maintaining a facade of listening to the popular opinion about possible name changes, Tom’s grip on Grapefruit remains iron. The website changes to his will. Reviewers come into and fall out of favour, and are never heard of again. I think I can safely say that he’ll be around for the next two hundred reviews.

Hungry for more nostalgia? Continue to part two.

1. We wanted to buy something for our readers as a thankyou but although 60 years of marriage is diamond and 1 million albums sold is platinum, there seems to be no accepted present for two hundred reviews so please enjoy this special look at Grapefruit’s history.
2. For example: Isn’t the plural of grapefruit ‘grapefruit’? Was King Jackson really cancelled because of copyright infringement? At one every 30 seconds since September 2003 I’m owed 2.6 million Andy C episodes. Where are they? Why is there an ‘s’ in the url but not in the title of the website? Was King Jackson cancelled because the lead animator was too handsome?
3. A sup is an abbreviation of the phrase ‘sucking up’ to the lecturer so you’ll get extra marks.
4. And movies with breasts in them, but I exposed Tom’s fascination adequately in the previous paragraph so I won’t keep bringing them up.
5. Someone who is a brave soul reluctantly took up the onerous burden of reviewing season 7 of Buffy.
6. Not that anyone really cared about the rest of the season. Just one hellishly long slow bandaid removal all season.
7. But not the devil. Buffy needed to go out on a high by defeating her biggest foe ever. She has already killed a god and sacrificed herself twice. It’s hard to top.

Dear Alias,

Don’t get mad, but I’m writing to break up with you. I don’t want you to get upset, but it’s probably fair if you do take it personally. After all, I’m fairly sure it’s not me, it’s you. It’s been a fun ride, but I feel the good times are over, and I’d like to outline a few points before I say goodbye to you forever.

Let’s start with the obvious things. Remember when we fell in love? I’d just come off a bad break-up with a show that treated me rough. Initially seductive, Buffy the Vampire Slayer had turned into a show that was all soap and no plot, and to make matters worse, had stopped focussing on all but a few of its ensemble cast. By contrast, you were the perfect match for me. Everyone got something to do, be they super spies, daggy friends, or nerds. And you had a strong plot focus, it seemed; when it became clear your super-arc was ready to finish up, you were quite happy to do so, mid-season.

What I didn’t realise then was that on a smaller level, you didn’t care about plots. I mean, sure, you acted like you did. But deep down, it wasn’t important to you. As long as you could get your jollies — with bikinis, or parachutes, or excessive violence — you weren’t fussed as to how that actually happened. But I was a blind fool, lured in by your quite cohesive and compelling ‘double-agent’ plotline.

When that ended, the cracks started to show. But I’ve talked about those. It’s unfair for me to criticise you for things you did ages ago, so let’s talk about last week.

I could tell you’d been concerned about the relationship for a while, but it became really obvious two weeks ago, when you took my vague mutterings about ‘the good old days’ to heart, and started acting exactly like you used to. But sweetie, that doesn’t really fly, does it? I was there too. We both did the ‘young girl works for baddies who say they’re the CIA’ thing years ago, and it was great. When you do it again, now, it just seems forced, and you keep rubbing it in my face by having Sydney call attention to the similarities.

It just makes it a little obvious that you’re out of ideas. Especially when you rehash yet again the old ‘let’s replay the opening scene in a new and interesting context’ with an astonishingly pointless twist. Looks like someone’s first edit came in a little short. By contrast, I can see that you’re trying hard with your arc this year. You’ve introduced a reasonable villain, and the campaign between him and APO has been surprisingly easy to follow, but I’m not fooled. Someone will mention Rambaldi in just a few episodes and suddenly no one will have any sort of believable motivation any more.

While we’re on the subject of villains, your foolish decision to have a baddie proclaim a few weeks back that our heroes “wouldn’t believe” who the super-duper bad guys are did not impress me. Who wouldn’t Sydney believe? After four long years of this crap, she should be expecting anything up to and including alien invaders.

Then, this week, you started trying to tempt Sloane to the dark side again. I cannot express just how pointless it would be if we went down that road again. But then, it seems with a lot of your characters, that you can’t think of much to do with them but run them through the same old crap. The most interesting thing to happen to Sydney in recent years, her pregnancy, was forced upon you, for heaven’s sake.

So it’s just as well that you’ve introduced a few new cast members. Probably. Maybe. Having been proved wrong by Victor Garber in the past, I’ll try not to judge Blandy McBlanderson. I mean, Balthazar Getty. I’m getting the feeling that you send him into each scene saying “Nice try, but don’t move so much. Stop emoting. Don’t be interesting.” Rachel Nichols, on the other hand, is hot. I can see what you’re trying to do. I used to tune in for a bit of Jennifer Garner hotness, and now that she’s all pregnant and such, you’re flipping someone new in. But you’ve been too blatant, too fast.

Don’t look at me like that. I know you used to show me plenty of Garner flesh in the past. But there’s a difference. When Jennifer comes out of a pool dripping and starts to undress in order to distract bad men, at least it works on a plot level too. Sometimes it’s even quite clever. When you dump Rachel Nichols in a car boot with a low-cut top and make the car jiggle about, that’s … not as clever. I know she has nice boobies. I could have waited until the plot and the boobies worked together. But no. You were too eager to please.

So I guess that’s why I’m leaving you. I don’t feel like you’re your own show any more. When I watch you I feel like I’m seeing a mathematical formula for THRILLS + BOOBS + SUSPENSE + ANGST resolve in front of my eyes. And you do all that well, separately. The scene where Blandy and Dixon are taking the bank’s quiz was very tense.m¹ But it never adds up to much more, and it doesn’t feel like you actually have anything to say any more. Perhaps there’s just nothing interesting left to do with spies. I don’t know. But crucially, I don’t care either.

I’ll miss you.

Tom.

1. Indeed, I fully expect Mission: Impossible 3 to be quite good due to your Dad J.J.’s influence, and will be watching it eagerly. Is it heartless to include footnotes in a letter that’s dumping someone?

Well, it looks like it’s time for my annual Alias review. Season Five, eh? What happened in Season Four after it’s promising start? Well… Sydney went into various night clubs, owned by various bad guys, and got various items of varying importance. Some of them were to do with Rimbaldi, who unfortunately still seems to be relevant to the series. Syd’s sister, daughter of the nefarious/reformed Arvin Sloane, joined the team and was doing quite well until she got infected by a nasty disease/thing and went psycho at the end of the year.¹

It turned out there was yet another Derevko sister (we’re up to three, now, for those playing at home). Even Syd’s mum came back. Everything was pretty exciting. There was a big glowing red ball in the sky and everything.

But this was Alias, and so they just couldn’t leave well enough alone. They added on an extra coda where Syd and her fiancee Vaughn were driving along in the country. Vaughn suddenly started to tell her about Alias‘s latest lame plot-twist, in which he wasn’t actually who he’d said he was for seven years.² At that moment, a huge truck smashed into the car, clearly driven by a frustrated fan who just wanted them to do something new and not keep digging for plotlines up their own arses.

And now, we return to the show to find that APO (Syd’s black ops section of the CIA, now run by her Dad) is so stupid that they’ll let dead CIA agents walk in and tell them that their own agents are evil without checking the guy out properly. And that Vaughn needs to find some book in order to… hmmm. I’ve forgotten. I’ll just go back and check. Talk amongst yourselves for a bit.

Ah. Here it is. Right. Vaughn’s father was a member of a special project to decipher 15th Century encoded manuscripts detailing genetic codes of some sort. The text was decrypted and the book is out there. I can’t imagine why that slipped past me the first time. I sometimes get the impression that the writers on this show have some huge random spinning wheel to determine their plots.

“There’s an ancient secret from the 15th Century tied to…” (spins, the wheel wanders through Derevko sisters, step-sisters, dead wives and CIA handlers)
“Vaughn’s Dad! It’s all detailed in a specific artefact, a…” (spins again, through items such as samurai swords, pages, crystals, hard drives, etc.)
“Book! To get it, Sydney and Vaughn will have to go to a…” (another spin, past night clubs, secure facilities, hospitals, boats and the like)
“Party! Brilliant!”

After all this faffing about, presumably the audience is supposed to feel vaguely satisfied that the ancient secrets hidden so carefully were found in 10 minutes of screen time. But it turns out that the book is barely the point of the episode anyhow, because when Vaughn turns it over, in a massively contrived situation he gets gunned down and killed while Sydney watches helplessly from the other side of a moving train. Is the death real? Is it faked? It’s a lot of trouble to go to, if things have been fabricated — we even get a sad funeral scene, complete with Sarah McLachlan. To make things excessively tragic, Syd is carrying Vaughn’s child, as she reveals to him in the best moment of the episode.

I continue to lose interest in Alias. The plots feel increasingly like exercises in algebra rather than emotional stories. The continuity is too complicated for me to even care whether things actually fit — though I suspect they don’t. There is some glimmer of hope though: in order to take the strain off the pregnant Jennifer Garner,³ a new character is being introduced, played by Rachel Nichols, who might hopefully have no connection to Rimbaldi at all.

Ah, who am I kidding. She’s probably his mum.

1. Sloane’s pretty upset about that. Her boyfriend Weiss appears to have forgotten all about her.
2. I’m pretty sure it’s seven. How long did Sydney skip at the end of Season Two? Damn, this show is confusing.
3. This episode is cunningly framed to keep Garner’s belly out of shot, which is quite amusing when you start looking for it. There’s a four month time-skip at the end which presumably allows them to forgo these shenanigans.

Trailers. I’ve always enjoyed movie trailers but now Apple has high resolution trailers on their QuickTime High Resolution Gallery. QuickTime 7 introduced a new codec, eloquently named H.264, which makes the movie muchas smaller. The awesome Serenity trailer comes in a resolution of 1920×816, which is even bigger than my rather big 20″ LCD screen. Scary. Obviously these are only for people with bandwidth to burn.

TV. Doctor Who is nearing the end of its first season in the UK and is going from strength to strength. Alias finished with yet another of its trademarked irritating cliffhangers. Frankly, I’m getting a bit weary of the show. If Jennifer Garner and Victor Garber weren’t in it I’d probably abandon it at this point.

Games. Having seen Revenge of the Sith, I’m now able to play through the last third of LEGO Star Wars which is great fun. What I’m itching for is a game that makes some use of my new iMac though. I may have to order Neverwinter Nights quite soon.

Domains. The grapefruits.org domain is up for renewal soon. I’m vaguely tempted to change it to something like thegrapefruit.org given that grapefruits is completely wrong from a grammar point of view. But then, people are pretty used to grapefruits.org. It might well be the most spurious reason I’ve ever had for doing something so complicated.

Web Design. I don’t know how it happened but I’m working on a new grapefruit design. Semi new. Still the same header pics obviously as they’re a lot of work. It started when I dropped the yellow sidebar and as it hasn’t looked that good since I’ve decided to really go for it. Foolishly. But it wouldn’t be swot vac without a grapefruit redesign. It’s like a biological imperative.