That can only mean the perpetually rumoured Apple Tablet is coming. Except not really. The only thing certain – a professional pundit will complain afterwards that it was not announced, despite almost everyone else (besides shareholders) knowing that it wouldn’t be.

Will Steve Jobs be giving the keynote? Will the iPod Classic finally die the wretched death it deserves? Will the Apple TV get a Take 3 and become useful?

Pretty standard bunch of questions really, but regardless I’ll be on hand to relay the answers to all these questions as the keynote unfolds – answers laced with just enough vitriol to create the impression I’m not some kind of apple fanboy. Which I’m not. Or at least I won’t be after tomorrow if Apple does not announce HD television for the Australian iTunes store!

Seriously Apple. Fuck you. I can see it sitting there on the American store. If I wasn’t so lazy I would buy an American gift card from eBay.

So there it is. If you only read one live blog of this event, then I strongly recommend Arstechnica’s. Because that is what I’ll be plagiarising reading. But if you read two you could probably read Macworld’s because that is generally excellent. I won’t mind because strictly speaking mine won’t be a live blog. More like a delayed-by-ninety-thousands-of-minutes blog.

I’m sure as hell not getting up that early.

Listen to me Malcolm, none of us give a shit. Really. I cannot believe they suspended parliament for a whole day for this.

Ahem. Carbon Emissions Trading Scheme? Anyone?

iPhone 3G S upgrade details?¹

1. Okay, that isn’t relevant. But I still want to know

6:01 So wait a second – it’s over. This is bullshit. I calculated I had to wake up at five o’clock. Apple sucks. If they had announced their keynote time in GMT and not PDT then I would have had a chance.

6:02 Apple sucks more! Their server is too busy and I can’t get the iPhone 3.0 Gold Master seed before I get to work. On to the keynote I guess…

6:03 Firewire returns! That is definitely the reason I need to throw out my 10 month old unibody macbook and upgrade! I was one of those people¹ that cracked the shits when I learned I could no longer use target disk mode.

I’ve given my credit cards to Marissa but I think she’ll understand when I explain to her it will be easier to troubleshoot my laptop in the event something goes wrong and I need to recover my data.²

Easiest. Sell. To. Girlfriend. Ever.

What else — new battery, more RAM and… wait… what’s this? No express card slot?? WTF???!? OH MY GOD APPLE YOU HAVE DROPPED THE BALL! I WILL NEVER BUY AN APPLE PRODUCT AGAIN!!

6:04 For the record — I know I am not actually live blogging. It’s because it makes nasty markup. Actually it’s because I don’t know how to do it. Yes, I am a n00B.

6:56 I had breakfast and a shower. None of you really needed to know that, or even care. Tom is here trying to figure out what is in the new iPhone 3GS that he won’t get in his 3.0 update. He says — not much. I say — sexiness and new speed! Seriously — I love this free update for the iPhone thing. Best thing about owning one. Bring on Tethering!

What is it with apple launching stuff right between my upgrade cycle?

7:03 $14.95 upgrade for Leopard is sweet! So cheap it isn’t worth stealing.

7:05 Now I can remotely erase my iPhone in case it is stolen! Yeah! Total justification for MobileMe. What a glorious day. I feel vindicated. In your face Tom. And you said MobileMe was a waste of money.³

7:10 So that is a wrap. I had more to say but I have to go to work, and this is long anyway. I thought of a killer joke in the shower but I’ve forgotten it now. I am shattered.

In summary — Apple sucks. How dare they update their macbook line after almost a year. You might think that is a good run for me to have a top end laptop, but not when you consider Tom has an iMac which has not had significant updates for years. I like the new iPhone but am pleased since I am not off contract for another 15 months we get most of the functionality anyway. Snow Leopard to not be $160 is awesome and looks really nice. I like any OS that makes my machine run faster. MobileMe still sucks at it’s price point.

7:24 What else? Oh, the iPhone 3.0 seed is downloading now. But I don’t think I’ll get it installed before I have to leave for work (in approximately 5 minutes). I should put on some clothes.

UPDATE I have noticed at one point I imply that Tom is in the same room as me and at the end I imply I have been naked since my shower. Neither of these inferences are true.

1. Along with 95% of the fucking internet, apparently.
2. Years of hand picked, best quality porn.
3. Actually, it is. Really, it is. For the love of god, spend your $119 on something else.

The Slightly Larger iPod Touch will be the 12th Mac Tablet rumour¹ and will take over from the short-lived Jason O’Grady Mac Tablet rumour which like all previous incarnations, proved to be completely full of shit.

One rumour that has caught my fancy however, is the Apple Home Server Rumour. I want it.²

In a house with three computers, and two people who have users on each one, having unified iPhoto and iTunes libraries that we can both access at the same time from any computer would be awesome.

Reading the article, the idea of having a massive media library stored on the internet sounds a bit ridiculous. Perhaps because we live in Australia – the land of crap upload speeds and data quotas – a combination which makes the whole idea working here retarded.

Anyway, expect a review this week. I would threaten to completely redesign the site to scare Tom, but since it would probably cost him $8 just to visit here from his phone I doubt he will read it.

1. I’m just guessing for comic effect here. But surely I am close. I’ve been hearing about Apple Tablets since 1995 for fucks sake.
2. I would love to find a more credible source for it than Gizmodo, I really would. Sorry I linked to them, by the way.

So this is it. After four years it had started to feel like home. Although you could argue a home without an xbox is hardly a home at all.

7:15 Fuck fuck fuck. I’ve slept in. My train leaves in 15 minutes. Nothing else for it then. Short Shower. No Breakfast. No time to check if these underpants are clean. But they probably are.

7:34 I made it. I get a seat on the awesome train between express trains. It’s pretty empty. I don’t even have to pretend I’m asleep to avoid having to offer my seat to old people. I love it when that happens.

8:30 No time for a coffee, my lecture has already started.

8:55 Hello? Anyone here? My lecturer is late. I could have had my coffee.

9:00 Here he is. He says he’s sorry. Apparently next week lectures are going to start at 8:45. He thinks that getting to uni at 8:30 is challenging. I don’t see how getting up fifteen minutes earlier is challenging. Lazy fuck. I could have had a coffee 30 minutes ago. I don’t forgive him.

9:30 At least he finished on time. I miss having a computer. I’ve lost the old metcard that I wrote today’s timetable on. I need to get to a computer. I wish I remembered things, but who really needs to when you can keep everything you need and more on the internet?

9:35 Ah, coffee. My headache should go away in about 20 minutes.

9:40 Apparently more people are going to private school now. Is this really front page news?

9:50 Why do all university toilets have that really abrasive, non-absorbent toilet paper? Okay, I don’t really require it to absorb anything but fuck, they could make it a bit softer. I suppose you think it’s my fault for being blessed with a sensitive behind. You aren’t going to get any dog playing and rolling around in this stuff.

9:59 Look! Swinburne is into tokenism. I found a lone iMac in a lab of PC’s. It’s like Spock from Star Trek. I’m sure there’s a Linux machine lying around somewhere. That’s probably Janeway. I haven’t really thought this through.

10:05 Luckily, the thing I had straight after my lecture doesn’t start until week 2. Because I would be late by now. My next class doesn’t start until 14:30. Damn it. What am I going to do for four hours with no laptop? I’ll call them, that’s that I’ll do.

10:07 It isn’t ready. I hates them. Fuck this. I’m going home.

10:10 I remember I’ve left my key at home. I’ve picked the one day of the week that Matt decides to do something and leave the house. I’m locked out, so I’m staying. Maybe people are up for a game of Wabble.

15:30 Seriously, there are some serious serious nerds in my degree. Help.

I know we are only three episodes in, but already I’m getting impatient. This episode is called ‘Exodus, Part 1’ but it feels like ‘Occupation, Part 3’. And not just because the last two episodes ended on cliffhangers and lacked any sort of contained plot. Well actually, exactly for that reason.

This episode isn’t bad — far from it. It’s just when put in context with the season it makes for a slow start. But as Tom points out, that can be okay if the pay-off is worth it. Since I’m reviewing this episode ten weeks late, I can tell you that it is. It just doesn’t happen this episode, and for some reason I was expecting it to.

So here we are. D’anna is having dreams. Cavel is bitching and claiming moral high ground he doesn’t actually have. Starbuck is bonding with some freaky looking kid. Lard-boy Lee is crying like a little girl, and Tyrol somehow manages to temporally displace himself and appear in last weeks ending just in time to save Cally.

Yes, I’m afraid it’s one of those cliffhanger resolutions. The kind where they actually change what the cliffhanger was. It’s cheating and feels a little lazy, but if it helps us get to the Galactica falling from the sky quicker then I’m all for it.

The one aspect of BSG I’ve never really been comfortable with is the whole mystical element. After years of exposure, I’ve developed a knee-jerk reaction to words like “prophecy” and “chosen one”. Fortunately, to date it’s been something I’ve been able to ignore like Adama does. This season, it seems that is going to be hard to do.

Apparently, Roslyn should have been sensitive to the possibility that the existence of Hera would be given away in a dream, and that some human mystic would confirm this information to the Cylons. Awesome. Seriously, I don’t know what the humans are supposed to do. If there is a God, he should consider giving them a break. Or you know, the writers could stop being lazy.

I’m distressed now — I’m going to be spending the rest of the season fretting about the day Sharon finds out about it. I’m not looking forward to it. In the meantime though, she gets to shoot D’anna in the knees, which is cool and satisfying in ways the rest of the episode isn’t. It’s a moment that’s worth the price of admission. Or at least the bandwidth.

So Galactica is coming. Joy. I can’t wait. Rest assured, once it gets here you’ll forget how bored you were getting. Until of course, someone makes you review an episode two months later.

I’m not sure exactly how many jokes such a simple word can sustain. If I had to be exact I would say heaps. I have read hundreds of jokes today. You think they would stop, but they just keep on coming.

Andy and I were amazed.

Anyway I felt this site lacked a place dedicated to Wii jokes, so I made one. Notice how I’m not actually going to make any, because I’m off to bed.

Just leave you with one I stole from Eurogamer…

‘Hello mr games store owner, can I have a wii please?’

‘No, the bathroom is for staff only’

It wasn’t the triumphant return I imagined. There was no confetti.¹ The fascist bastards down at administration had cleared out my desk. Which wasn’t strictly true. I probably never had a desk. It’s hard to burst in shouting “Well, I’m back!” with any sort of conviction when you secretly habour doubts you were ever really there in the first place.

You guys remember me don’t you? I wrote a review for you once. I also have a blog here, maybe. No? How about those movies we all did years ago, you have to remember those right?

So here I am. Andy still won’t talk to me, and Tom said I can’t have a computer or a desk so I’m stuck with some butcher’s paper and a crayon on the floor. Neither of them will tell me where they hide the Tim Tams. I hates them.

I know what you’re thinking. You are wondering when the fuck I’m going to start reviewing something. This is a review isn’t it?

Well, yes. Yes it is. And the review is NO. You don’t want to buy this game. You don’t want to rent this game. You don’t want to waste valuable minutes of your life reading about this game. It’s easily the worst game I’ve ever played. It’s a fucking piece of shit.

Have I made myself clear enough? Good. In that case I would like to take this opportunity to announce my retirement. It’s been one hell of a ride and we’ve been through lots together but it’s time I moved on.

Well as you can see I’m still here. Tom has since informed me that my review is lacking in several key areas and that I will need to finish it before he lets me go home.² Bastard. I don’t really want to do this, but here it goes.

Lunar: __D_ragon __S__ong_³ is a “traditional japanese RPG” apparently — and by that I can only assume it means, among other things, the story progression is totally linear, the battle system is turn based and you don’t really get to decide anything when you level up. Fine. So essentially we run from town A to town B and fight monsters in between.

This would be okay if just one of the following statements were true.

1. The story characters were compelling / interesting / not fucking cliched.
2. The battle system was deep / fun / involved any kind of strategy.

Sadly for the $69 I spent on this game neither of them are. For some unknown reason the designers thought it would be a good idea if you can’t select your target in battle. I want you to think about this. It’s your turn. You have a choice of actions. You can either a) attack, or b) use an item. Look I don’t really want to go into it, but it’s fucking boring okay? I’m sure there are people out there who didn’t mind it but the fact is that for just about every battle I could look away and just mash ‘a’ until the battle was over. I say “mostly” because for the boss fights I sometimes had to heal myself. Oooooh.

To be fair there are almost some interesting ideas here. Combat has two modes you can choose from, a ‘combat’ mode and a ‘virtue’ mode. In the latter you earn experience and have a certain time limit to defeat every monster in a region and after doing so the game unlocks a chest for you. In the former, you do not earn experience but instead you receive items. Items which are neccessary to complete various delivery missions⁴ which is the only way to earn money needed to buy better items. Which you need in order to fight the invariably tougher baddies further down the line. This had the potential to be interesting until you realised the game is effectively doubling the amount of time you spend button mashing on the train.⁵

In another awesome masterstroke of gaming design, running damages your health⁶ — even in towns where there are no monsters. So you walk everywhere. It takes longer. I’ve always wanted to make a totally unenjoyable experience longer. The whole idea has “padding” screamed all over it.

Yes, and the story is cliched and uninvolving and not in the least bit compelling. Sorry but I can’t go on. I hate this game. I hate reviewing it. Just don’t buy it okay?⁷ I can’t bring this review up to standard. It looks like I’m stuck here for a while.

1. Traditional, I feel.
2. Andy has also started kicking me on a regular basis and demanding coffee. At least we are communicating now, albeit on a very basic level.
3. Or Lunar: Genesis locally. I was unfortunate enough to import my copy. I feel if I use the incorrect name in the main text people might get confused.
4. So you are a courier that has to deliver items to people, okay? Exciting thrilling items. Once I had to find and deliver 8 acorns to somebody. It took me dozens of battles before enough monsters collectively dropped enough acorns. And all the while I’m not actually earning any experience. For the love of God, Why???!
5. I’ve come a long way.
6. They should put it on a packet somewhere.
7. Given what I know of our readership, I think I’m pretty safe.