Andy Cocker

2pm. Malpractice Investigation. Stanford Hospital.

Alright, you want the truth — yes, I did kill a man. Is that what you want to hear? Are you happy now? But before you rush off to get me fired, you should know that the circumstances were extremely mitigating.

I’d been working at my other job for 8 hours, then there were Friday night drinks and I was catching the bus home. A man came up to me and showed me a small piece of glass sticking into his right arm.

The piece of glass appeared to be a minor injury, capable of being treated by an idiot. So even though I was on a bus and slightly drunk, I decided to give it a go. I said:

I was relaxed about the procedure. The patient blood pressure was 130 over 70 and the pulse was 80, which is not mentioned on his chart. I could take my time. The conditions in the bus were sub-optimal and hindered me more than I realised. Normally an operation looks like this:

Today, there were smudges, fingerprints and dust on my glasses:

My drinking had made me over confident and blurred my vision:

The bus was swerving from side to side:

The bright afternoon light made it difficult to see:

And then in she walked:

I lost blood pressure in my brain:

I tried to pick up a pair of tweezers to extract the glass. “Ow!” said the patient.
“Sorry, that must be the syringe,” I apologised.
“Argh!” said the patient.
“Whoops, that’s the laser.” I apologised again.
“ARRGH …” said the patient.
I said “Good, he’s fainted from the pain.”
“Excuse me doctor,” said the hot nurse, “you’re holding the scalpel.”
“Hello Nurse!” I helpfully replied.
“Doctor, if you could stop looking at my breasts for one second, you’d see that the patient is dying.”
“No problem,” I answered. This was my chance to show off my mad skills to the hot nurse. “I’ve got the Healing Touch. I just draw a five sided star like this, and time slows down.”
“Doctor! You’re still holding the scalpel! The patient is hemorrhaging from numerous wounds.”
“No problemo. I’ll use some of that magic green healing goop.”
“What the hell are you talking about? Are you even a real doctor?” she shouted.
And that’s when we arrived at the hospital.

The Chief Malpractice Investigator shook his head in disbelief. “It’s a good thing for you that all our doctors have automatic save insurance. Would you like to reload?”
“Yes, please.”

Please everyone stay calm. I have called this press conference because there is some urgent news. As you all know, this is what a nuclear silo in the middle of launching ICBMs looks like.

We’ve been examining maps and found this. Yes, it’s what we’ve feared. It’s an active silo preparing to launch.

Many of you hoped this day would never come. I assure you that counter measures have been initiated. You should send your loved ones to small inland cities. Our simulations show that these will take the least damage during the oncoming war. I hope you all are prepared and have appropriately stocked shelters.

Some of you have asked about getting help from other nations. To those people I quote the book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Pirates: “The enemy of my enemy is my enemy’s enemy. No more, no less.”

There’s time for one last question, you at the back. What’s that? Ah, no, I don’t think they’re too bouncy. There’s no such thing.

EVIL CHILD GENIUS FORMULATED MASTER PLAN FOR WORLD DOMINATION WHILE PLAYING VIDEO GAMES. Hmm, that might be too long.

The computer games industry needs to learn that making games about guns and cars are not a good idea. They should have seen the trouble Rockstar had with GTA last year, so it astounds me when a company makes a self prescribed genocide simulator

Sure the developer, Introversion, has given the game beautiful vector graphics, a haunting sound track and addictive multiplayer but that’s no excuse for them teaching our children that genocide is ok. The game could have been about lawns, weeds and drops of Roundup and still have been as fascinating.

It’s only a matter of time before a crazy lawyer catches wind of this game, or some kid makes their own bomb from materials bought online and bombs their school to teach the bullies a lesson.

How about TEENAGER USED GENOCIDE SIMULATOR. Yes that’s more catchy.